Thursday, September 10, 2009

Liar Liar Computer on Fire!

Sister 1
What is with guys lying online? I don’t get it! In order to even place a profile you have to go through pages and pages of “about you”. Depending on the site, it can take hours to fill out. From favorite things to do, eat, music, dislikes, religion, etc. The one I’m on took me, Sister 2 and another friend about 45 minutes and a bottle of wine to make mine complete. And when we were done it was (is) great and honest.

So what is with guys lying online? Do they think we women are desperate? Do they think because we are online we are easy and eager to have “anything”? I came across this profile of a guy my family and I know and he’s (1) lying about his age by at least 4 years, (2) says he’s never been married and truthfully he’s divorced and (3) says he has no children, in which he has three girls! I don’t get it! All of these things are products of who he is…so why would he lie?

I’m telling you, if he weren’t a dentist and going to clean my teeth and fix a cavity for free, then I would TOTALLY call him out!

Sister 2
Well, darling, this is because people lie, period. Would anyone want a date with a divorcee who has 3 kids? NO. He can reel the unsuspecting lady in then reveal the big surprise much later after he has cleaned & bleached her teeth so many times for free she is addicted to how they look & by then she will be so enamored it won’t matter. THIS is what he is thinking.

Guys lie in bars. Guys lie at the gym. Guys lie to tell the lady whatever it is they think she wants because guys want to have sex, & this is how they succeed in getting it. Girls lie about their age, lie about their interests so theirs match his, girls lie about how much time they spend getting ready, that they LOVE giving head, & this is all because we want him to fall in love with us. We decide they are perfect for us so then we begin proving it to them by…well…in many cases lying, especially to ourselves. How many times have you said you liked something you really didn’t care for that much just to be agreeable? SEE? Then we wonder why he changed when it doesn’t work out…hmmm.

Never forget that men give love for sex & women give sex for love. A man will tell you he loves you to get laid…women will lay a guy to hear “I love you”. It’s all in the wiring. Many women forget this & fall into the trap time & time again. We think we can do it & walk away…but by the time you are at the car you are picking out what to wear the next time you two go out, completely forgetting there will not be a next time, he got what he came for (literally) & you did too…& now you are breaking the rules because you lied to him & to yourself from the beginning.

Dating on-line is just another bar scene. There are genuine relationship-minded people out there & there are lying liars who only want to hook up. Break the mold & stop lying. Then you have the power.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Are You Eligible? Can You Comment?

Sister 2

OK I have read a few blogs out there and realized I am addicted to comments. Do you know some people have over 100 comments on posts? Dang…that’s a lot of love. If someone writes a Blog & no one is around to comment on it, does it make a sound? Uh...Whatever. Here is what I have been working on while the baby sleeps:

The Top 10 List of Rules to be Eligible to Date Sister 1

1. You must have a job. I don’t care if you work on a street corner waving a sign directing people to go into Little Caesars. You must have a job--& if this is your job you can say you are in Marketing & Advertising, possibly a Professional Dancer as well depending on how good you are at getting people to honk at you and to buy Pizza! Pizza! of course!

2. You must have your own place to live. Your friends couch is not your own place.

3. You must be able to drink but also know “when” is “when”. Hey Douche Bigalow! This was your downfall!

4. You must tolerate really bad reality TV. don’t have to know everything going on in the Real Housewives of whichever seasons lives, that would be creepy in fact, but you have to understand that to Sister 1, this is like her football, baseball, or soccer you love so much (see #5).

5. You must like some sport enough to name names/stats. You have to be able to hold a conversation with Dad and Secret-Agent-Lover-Man, both of whom are rabid sports fans enough to talk the talk with anyone, anytime. They are so into sports that Secret-Agent-Lover-Man can talk Jai-Alai if prompted!

6. You must be good at cooking. Sister 1 once substituted cucumber for zucchini. This is not a lie. She really didn’t know the difference and was stuck with 2 gallons of soup all to herself as a result which she did eat over a period of time in batches, I have to give it to her. So, as a matter of survival you don’t have to be Top Chef, but you do have to know enough to know the difference between cucumber & zucchini and, neither is a metaphor for your penis, by the way. Just saying.

7. You should have a nicer, newer than 1990's car. Sister 1 has a hoop that could blow any minute. Your car is the preferred method of transportation. Oh and in case you were wondering, your car does not count for rule #2 either.

8. You have to like & understand the significance of Twilight, and then agree on how fast downhill to crap-town the rest of the series went after this. All right, I admit it; this is the way to my heart. Sister 1 started Twilight in like 2007 or something & is still reading it…hey, she savors her books!

9. You should either: Be a medical doctor, know one as a friend, be an EMT or have an EMT friend, know how to treat injuries like shin splints, be a veterinarian, a pharmacist, pharmaceutical sales person, something like this anyway because hey—Sister 1 don’t got no insurance and is running a Marathon in October! Come on Obama, get my sister some coverage, she works hard & looks great in her shorts!

Finally, 10. You must love cheese. It is true. She loves to eat cheese and has a great cheesy side to her as well. This includes enjoying cruises & singing karaoke. All forms of cheese are welcome. She is an equal-opportunity lover of cheese.

So…what's on your list for eligibility? What have I overlooked? Help a sister out! LEAVE COMMENTS!!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Imaginary Wedding

Sister 1

So I have been looking! Searching, dating meeting, winking and although this has been SO MUCH FUN, I still can't win the battle going on in my head. Almost immediately when I say "yes" to a date - of course this is after I went over “the potential’s” profile and checked out his photos again - I go into a fantasy world state of mind. Looking at “the potential’s” photos, I instantly imagine how our first date will be, then our next, our first kiss, if he'd be good in bed, his proposal to me, our wedding, where we would live....list continues....It's Crazy! It's as if I'm living in the mind of Charlotte from Sex and the City! I have always believed in love stories and when I was younger I even had a timeline (20 years old - meet "the guy", 23 - get engaged, 25 - married, 27 - begin having kids). I have since passed all of those ages and none of it happened. I believe there are white horses, chivalry, and a handsome prince. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have watched Dirty Dancing and Grease everyday when I was a young girl. But I am doing my best to get out of my head, stop thinking this way and instead enjoy the ride of dating. It’s just hard when everywhere I look, there is another love story where the man comes running and sweeps the woman off her feet.

Sister 2

The other day a friend & I were talking about “what happened”. What I mean is we talked about how we are approaching 40 & our lives are great, but at the same time, not exactly as we expected them to be. For example, I am living my sister’s life. I was never going to get married. If I did then I was DEFINTELY never going to have children. I mean I seriously wanted to get a hysterectomy at 18. I never wanted kids and never even wanted to have a period ever again. So how is it that I am now happily married for over 13 years & pregnant with baby #2? THIS IS NOT MY LIFE! But, it is, & I am not complaining at all, but how weird.

When I was a preteen I worshipped Alexis Carrington. I strived to be Erica Kane. I absolutely never expected to have a man do anything for me; I would do it all & they would be at my mercy. I never planned my dream wedding at an early age & as far as Grease goes I liked Marty Maraschino (like the cherry). I didn’t like Dirty Dancing b/c I thought Baby was weird looking & Patrick Swayze looked like an old man preying on her. If I was to be married I was going to be like Jennifer Hart. Exactly like her in every way, & I still envy her amazing hair.

Therefore, Sister 1 & I have traded places. I have her life of a stable career, husband, 1.5 kids & cute little beach house. She is single, can do anything & go anywhere she wants to, can be open to any options life hands her & most of all has nothing weighing her down to stop her from any of it. Her life is my ideal, yet here she is obsessed with what she feels she is missing. Being in love with the idea of love is never going to get her anywhere…yet here we are.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Get Over It: Girls Just Don’t Marry Alphas

Sister 2
Sister 1 is on-line dating. There, I said it. For those of you who are just like me & say to yourself “She’s on what?” I mean she is an official member of something like or but definitely NOT to the tune of $39.99 & up for a month. The good news here is that if she does not calm down, have fun, get some free meals & even more free cocktails out of it & possibly someone chill to spend some good innocent time with on a regular basis, my glamorous friend & I get to pick ALL of the prospects for her to “date” come month 2. Here is where On Line Dating becomes fun for your family & friends!

One thing I noticed right away when searching through the throngs of men available is that Sister 1 & I have very different tastes. For example, she is instantly attracted to the face, the photo of the person whereas I instantly go to two areas: whether or not they are divorced & whether or not this divorce involves children & #2: their job. Excuse me, but one of my requirements for her is that they actually possess one. So while she is drooling or oohing & ahhing over the photos of these guys that ALWAYS include 2 – 3 things: The No Shirt, The Dog, & the Prop My Niece or Nephew Up On Me photos, I am searching out the job, kid sitch & a few key phrases in their bio that speak to me of their integrity.

As a result of this endeavor I have concluded from my vast research that Girls Do Not Marry Alphas. I got the idea from an episode of True Blood in which the Freaky Sex lady/Possibly Minotaur/Totally Obsessed With Food character says to the Man Who Becomes a Dog character: “You are no Alpha”. Suddenly I was struck: That’s why his character is slightly annoying but extremely adorable = he’s MARRIAGE material!

Now take a poll amongst your friends: who is married or in a serious relationship with an Alpha? I bet NONE. Yes our men are cute, sexy, all ours, dedicated, loyal etc…but are any of them LL Cool J? Now ask yourself: Would you want a loving, long lasting relationship with LL Cool J or long hot nights of crazy “doin it & doin it & doin it well?” Do you want him saying “I love your mind” or “Its jiggling baby, go ahead baby?” COME ON…You & I know the answer. Anytime an interviewer talks about his kids its like zzzzzz can’t you just have him lick his lips on camera for the whole time?

Girls marry Betas. We go for the potential, the diamond in the rough, the guy who has no qualms about picking us up tampons while out on a run for Tequila. The guy who can whip up a BBQ feast, has a vast knowledge of sports or something else they are passionate about, doesn’t care if they sleep in the same shirt they wear the next day & over all LOVES us & thanks us every day for being in their lives. This is why Johhny Depp is so damn appealing…or the newest Beta on the block Bradley Cooper. These are guys who make awkward cool without knowing it, something women have known is sexy for ages. We like to sex up Alphas but when it comes to settling down & chilling in front of TV, Beta Boys rule.
This is because WE are the Alphas, as far as I can see. Our men need us as much (even more so) as we need them & as soon as Sister 1 figures out this simple formula the sooner I get to start picking out office furniture that will replace her room!

Sister 1
Yes, I am internet dating and LOVE IT! I have been having a blast winking, emailing, IM’ing, texting, talking on the phone and dating. I have never dated in the past so this whole “dating” thing is all new to me. Most of my “relationships” were fast (like instant) or completely non-existent. Also, I have never dated more than one person at a time, instead I always focused on one person and when it was time to move on to the next, I would drop them and then move on (or vice versa). So this has been a totally new endeavor for me and so much fun at the same time.

I have had a couple different random experiences with this whole thing too. First off, (totally out of the blue) I went out with a guy friend who brought two other guys with him and low and behold one of them was someone I had been previously emailing online. It was crazy! All in all, he turned out to be just that (crazy) and I never emailed him again. But how random huh?

Then I went out for a girls night and there were at least five guys there that I had seen when I was searching, or ones that had reached out to me with an email. A friend of mine ended up dancing with one of the guys and exchanged numbers with him. The next day her and I looked him up on the site and got the dirty on him. Fun times! And helpful for her too. Now she’s living vicariously through me and my online venture.

My first date was quite an experience. When I agreed to go out on my first date I was totally nervous. First off, this was a “day time” date and had no alcohol on the agenda. In the past alcohol had been my saving grace when sparking up a convo with a guy. Before I went, I was worried because all that kept going through my head was “what do you talk with a guy about whom you don’t know when there is no alcohol in your system?” But I got through it, had a great time and the guy…? Well the guy told me I had a “great spirit” at the end and I knew then we would only have that one date. The next day I had another date with a new guy and he turned out to be a dud. We planned on having one drink and that was all we had. One drink, one hour later and I was home emailing some new prospects.

In between the weird encounters, I have had some fun ones too. Managing to have an average of two- three dates a week has been awesome and because of it my savings account has been seeing more positive numbers than red ones. Also, because of my sister’s desires I have taken on a new role of Alpha (although I’m always a Delta x3 at heart) and just exploring what males are out there. Oh and I don’t know what sister 2 is thinking…I am in no mind set now for a “relationship” now that dating is in my vocabulary. AKA – she created a dating monster. So she needs to stop searching for office furniture and start clearing our vases for all the flower arrangements I’m getting.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Sister 2 Can Beat Up Your Sister

Sister 2
Well, it’s just me again. Sister 1 is out of commission. It’s just like the Jersey Housewives…Dina (Sister 1) makes a mess so bulldog Caroline (me) cleans it up. It will always be this way; it is my duty as the oldest. I will take the blame, the heat, the brunt of it all, just so her life is protected from it all. Pretty crazy. I never even put it together until we were watching the finale and then I realized I am not only Caroline in appearance (sans the Kate + 8 haircut…though I did have that haircut in the 90’s I must admit) I am Caroline in attitude. I will take the hits because in the end it doesn’t matter, and frankly I can take it. I am kind of a badass that way. It’s my girlish bulldog charm I suppose.
So…on to other issues. Why did I find myself picking out bridal gowns on TV for Sister 1 this morning? Why do I clip out destination wedding locations of magazines and place them on her bed? Why do I watch really horrid Rom-Com’s like New In Town and wonder why my sister can’t suddenly find herself needing to conduct business in Minnesota just so she can meet the only cute boy in a town of quirky but loveable residents who would never be the least bit appealing in real life?
Sister 1 has yet to find anyone the least bit worthy of betrothal, yet I have the wedding basically planned including my toast to the happy couple and the diet I will succumb to so I will look amazing and everyone will then “get it” that we are related—what is wrong with me?
Lets get a few things straight. I am a feminist in every means of the word. I support womens rights and teach my students to empower themselves because the world is still man-centric and we need to be aware of how to work the system. I shun princesses, being “saved” by a man, aspiring to marry a rich man whether than bringing your own money into the mix, and so on…therefore why am I so obsessed with Sister 1 settling down, having babies, and above all: having the wedding to end all weddings, moving into a McMansion in the OC, Jersey, Atlanta, Long Island, insert your favorite Real Housewife locale here…??
Worse than my issues…what kind of pressure does this bring Sister 1? Every guy I meet, and I mean each and every one that I come across that seems cute becomes an instant prospect to make my sisters dreams come true. My husband, Secret-Agent-Lover-Man, gets sick of it too. Once I met a guy who was fine…I mean f-i-n-e juicy fine. After he left I asked “is he single?” Secret-Agent-Lover-Man had a FIT. “I knew you were going to ask that!”He yelled at me, “You always ask!” Never mind the guy was a semi-con, couch surfing, deadbeat dad whose daughter will likely become famous for writing a memoir which will be turned into screenplay based on her dads loser-ness that Will Smith will get an Oscar for. That’s the level of loser this juicy man attained. Did I care? Not so much…he was single!
UGH, if only I had the Jersey Ladies money—then at least I could turn this into a Bravo TV show!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sister 1 Dates the Master of Golden Showers

Sister 2
Lately I am having issues with Sister 1. In case you didn’t notice she has not posted anything in a long time. Now I ask you, why start a blog only to get people excited then leave them hanging out to dry? I have no answer…only that she doesn’t have time, not much to say, I don’t know…so I will regale you with a story just for fun titled:
How Many of Sister 1’s Boyfriends Have I Scared Off?
This idea came to me when I was walking with Sister 1 and my mind flashed to this weird Seinfeld-y looking guy she had introduced my husband and I to way back. I also thought of it because our good friend who happens to also be a great bartender asked me to not focus the next blog on all of Sister 1’s issues and maybe offer that I too have issues. OK SHE IS WRONG but hey I will admit this much: I have minor tiny little flaws that, well, have successfully scared off more than one boy in Sister 1’s life, and perhaps this is a problem? So…Seinfeld was this kid she was dating who looked like Seinfeld but was not even funny in the least bit and above all had none of Seinfeld’s money but I allowed her to introduce me to him anyways because why not? We were going to be doing Dr. Pepper’s at this bar near her place and if you haven’t tried a Dr. Pepper please do so…they are very delicious and although now I have to say I am a little to old to do the “popper” style shots I was on vacation so its totally OK to do shots that involve dropping something into a beer and slamming it down fast when (and only when) you are out of town and find yourself over the age of 30.
Seinfeld spent the evening playing Golden Putt-Putt or something like this which of course I referred to as Golden Shower all night. He was obsessed with it. He even got Secret-Agent-Lover-Man to play who is a video gamer and a golfer so there goes my husband – so much for quality time at the bar – and then there was me and Sister 1, left with nothing to do but more Dr. Peppers and to try not to get in a bar fight which has been known to happen when Secret-Agent-Lover-Man abandons me for a game of Golden Shower and leaves me with Sister1…OK…
Any fights that occurred aside the evening ended with me asking Seinfeld about his intentions. Let me tell all of you sisters and brothers out there that the SECOND your sister (it only works with boys unfortunately) brings home an undesirable man, ask him about his intentions. You will see nothing but a flash of light, catch a faint whiff of Drakkar Noir, and sense the door shut with nary a swoosh as he exits your immediate area – and more importantly – your sisters life forever. It only works with boys because if you ask a girl her intentions…well its likely she has a few…thousand…so it is only effective at repelling boys.
I did it. I admit it. I didn’t like him so I scared him off. He wasn’t cute, looked like an eager pledge for a fraternity, was obsessed with playing Golden Shower instead of getting to know ME and worst of all was broke-ass-broke-down going Dutch with my sister.
See? We all have our little miniscule flaws…and now friends, you have strategies within which to employ the next time your sister dates a pale comparison to Seinfeld!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Continuing the Sabotage – The Stalker

Sister 1
Since the internet dating didn’t go as well as planned, I figured I should forego that whole endeavor and meet guys the old fashioned way ~ get completely black-out wasted drunk at a bar with some of my closest girlfriends, wake up with a gnarly headache, cotton mouth, bruised up, still in the dress and makeup from the night before and with some guys digits half written on my hand and the other half backwards smudged on my forehead.

After a dose of the booze blues from the call of shames I had to make I found out from my best friends that not only did I met “a guy”, but I had smoked a pack of cigarettes with him, somewhat ate sushi, fell twice, gave him my number/email/shoe size/bra size, gave him a ring of mine because we were playing “we just got married” all night and refused to leave with my friends only making them stuff me in the car via the Hulk Hogan sleeper hold to get me home safely.

I knew this wasn’t over, I mean come on we were playing “married”. So of course, two days later, he called (they always call). I did not answer my cell because I had no idea what his name was. Thankfully, he (Stalker) left his name and I (stupidly) called him back. Stalker seemed to be a nice guy. He was a tad bit older than me, lived in the LA area, was not in the “business” and was really charming on the phone. He asked me for my email and I gave it to him after all he seemed ‘ok’. After about a week and a half of email exchanges and phone calls he got me to go out on a date with him. Stalker rode his motorcycle over an hour to take me out to dinner and a walk on the beach. It was a fun evening, but I really wasn’t all that into him during and after the date. I thought that he was “ok”, yet geographically undesirable and a little too clingy. Luckily, the day after the date I had plans to go with my girlfriends on a trip to the river and I thought “I’ll not talk to him while I’m gone and I’ll just let it go when I get back.”

is where the Stalking began…..

All of a sudden, Stalker was trying his hardest to contact me. While on my trip he texted me the whole time. When I got back, all in one day his attempts to contact me were found all over my work phone, through emails, IM’s, text messages and cell phone. It was CRAZY! I actually FINALLY picked up the phone after what felt like his 100th attempt and told him “We had one date, this was WAY too much for me and I didn’t want to have anything to do with him”. I felt so good after that and thought I was in the clear. NOPE I WAS WRONG! He still made a call, text and IM to me after I said it was over. After ignoring them I again thought was in the clear. Until that night, outside of my bedroom window (thankfully my bedroom was on the third floor) at 4 o’clock in the morning someone was blasting the song “These Days” by Rascal Flatts over and over again. I did not look out the window because I was terrified! After about an hour the music stopped, however I did not go back to sleep instead I got ready for work and went to a local coffee shop where I knew I would be amongst people and then went to work. I told all the girls at work about this and they were all pretty freaked out, then we all laughed at what a crazy he was and we all thought it was over. UNTIL THE NEXT DAY at work I received a 2 day Fed EX package sent to my job. I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY MIND TO OPEN IT!!! I had no idea what it could be. Was it a bomb? Was he trying to kill me? So I made the only male in my office (my boss) open it. He has sent me a handwritten 7 page front and back letter about his feelings and “us”. Included in the package was the ring that I gave him and two handmade sticker pasties with tassels for my boobs when I go to the river with friends. IT WAS THE MOST BIZARRE, SCARY, CREEPY, COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH, EERIE and WEIRDEST thing I have ever gotten from a guy. After this encounter, I was over it! I called the cops and began the process of getting a restraining order against him. HE WAS A F@#$ING SCARY MAN!!! I heard from him one last time a few weeks later. He texted me telling me he was moving to “OZ”. I did not respond and instead thought “WHAT A WACKO!!!” I seriously thought this dude was moving into a psycho ward named “OZ”, little did I know OZ meant Australia. Anyhow, thankfully I have never heard from Stalker Freak-a-zoid again!

Sister 2 – How do you avoid Stalkers? Can you really meet a nice guy in a bar or are they all stalkers?

Sister 2
Sorry to everyone for this taking so long to get out. Believe it or not I have just finished the work to obtain my masters degree, so sister 1 was being very patient with me while I screamed at everyone in the house and basically had them running for the hills (OK running to the brewery down the street to which come on they weren’t that hesitant to get out of my way) with my insanity and negativity. But now we are back…and get ready this ride is a crazy one!

So…my perception of the Stalker was that I was totally freaked out. Who wouldn’t be? Seriously the guy cut little pieces of paper up, painstakingly pasted them to tassels and sent my sister PASTIES!! WTF? Who does that? It’s like that episode of Hart to Hart when Jennifer had the stalker guy and he cut out all those little pieces of paper from magazines and made a whole collage of her head…eeew so creepy. Just the thought of a guy spending that much time cutting up things from magazines makes me totally heebie-jeebied.

WHO cuts up magazines? OK besides little kids making collages and paper mache planets? Stalkers and Kidnappers that’s who. UGH then this whole incident brings me back to square 1. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY SISTER THAT SHE CANNOT FIND A DECENT GUY? So many of us have got drunk at bars and dated the idiot that thought we were “so cute” when we were drooling and smearing our makeup all over the inside of their car, then again all over their sheets and pillows, yet how come we are able to wake up the next day, let the guy take us to breakfast and then make a swift and speedy break for it exclaiming “OK I’ll call you tomorrow” on the way out the door?

Is this my sister’s lot in life? Is this the best she can do? I mean the guy was referencing “Say Anything” and “Flashdance”…eew no matter how much I love those movies you cant explain away this guy…

This, dear readers, is why we are here today. I need help. I need answers. I need to know how in this day and age someone like my sister who has so much to offer is her own worst enemy, a calculated saboteur of her own well being, and quite possibly a terrorist of the most destructible kind. Is it possible to be your own personal Al-Qaeda? Who can I alert, we are at DEFCON 5.

OH and apparently…girls wear Pasties now instead of bikini tops…don’t tell my husband, I still like the whole process of watching him save up dollar bills and our nights out at strip bars. Hey I get good service at strip bars and a ton of attention!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Let the Sabotage begin – Internet Dating –

Sister 1
Since I lived with some of mine and Douche Bigalow’s mutual friends and was always around friends that had ties with my ex, the pool of men that I could date from was extremely shallow. When I would meet someone new and I would tell them my name SOMEHOW they knew that I was Douche Bigalow’s ex and wouldn’t want to date me because that would be “stepping on his toes”. It was a title that I hated and one that I did everything to get rid of because damn it I wanted to date!

So what was a healthy, happy, 30 year old in her prime, party girl that loves to kiss guys to do? INTERNET DATE! I was soooo embarrassed about this that I only told my sister, my best friend and one good friend (who was online dating too) that I was on the World Wide Web for dating. In fact, I didn’t even put a photo of myself up on the first site I joined because I was mortified that someone I knew would see me on there and somehow it would get back to the Douche. I mean crap, he had a girlfriend and I….I’m on the internet trying to find a boyfriend. HOW PATHETIC! A part of me was totally mortified however another part of me felt empowered. I didn’t have to respond to anyone I didn’t want to. I would check the guys out, give them a “rose” if I liked them and somehow the two of us would create this fantasy relationship through letter writing and “winks”. It was magical! I totally had control of the whole situation and was never waiting for a call or a text…just a beautiful letter that explained everything about him(s). It was like I was set back in time where people courted one another through letter writing. SO ROMANTIC…right? Eventually I took letters out into the real world and dated two guys from two different sites I was on. I was going to go out with a lot more than just two guys but I noticed that when I gave some of the other guys my number it got weird. I would get texts and calls all day long, even some of them sending me photos of “their goods”. <-Which is freaking awkward when you have never met someone, but you’ve already met their penis? I want to meet you first, not your little friend!!!

Guy #1. FREAKING ADORABLE, HANDSOME, AWESOME, LOTS OF GREAT QUALITIES….he was great, EXCEPT for he was not a drinker (dad says: “never date a guy that doesn’t drink!”), totally into church (we were two different religions), way too into money (that he didn’t have but “will one day”) a bit controlling and way too into his dog. He was so into that damn dog that she ran the house. Her toys, bowls of water and slobber was all over the apartment and what totally made me hack was he would make out with her! I mean honestly… are you really going to try to kiss me after you kiss your canine? I don’t think so!!! BARF! Never fear people I am a dog lover but I don’t need to make out with one. Moving on, the two of us went out for a while (couple of months) and it was fun (sober fun….eh!). He was all these things (good and bad), BUT he never made a move on me and that weirded me out. I mean COME ON PUT OUT ALREADY!!!! I had felt many times that he was into me while we were making out (if you know what I mean) and wanted I to get it on damn it! But no! NOPE he was an ice king and that is where I had to draw the line. Plus his controlling characteristic really began to come out. From controlling sex (I mean no sex) to only doing what he wanted to do (without any input from me) and THE KICKER he would go to sleep at like 8 or 9 at night. NO ONE OUR FREAKING AGE GOES TO BED BY 8 OR 9 PM!!!! It was so bizarre. In the rest of the single/dating world, dinner is not even served until after 8 so how could he go to sleep by 8? It began to become a lame relationship to me and basically we just weren’t as “compatible” as the site made us out to be.

Guy #2: Another good looking guy who had money (lawyer), was funny, smart, witty, BUT to my surprise (didn’t figure this out until later) he was a cut and paste (C & P) guy. Meaning = he had his letters already done and would cut and paste them into new messages to new girls he’d meet online. What a brilliant idea huh? Here I was thinking this guy was into getting to know me because he was passionate and so telling about himself in his letters…all the while not knowing that there were probably a dozen other women out there with the same letters from him.

While under his charming spell, we went out for a couple months and it was a lot of fun. We talked all the time, hung out a lot, he introduced me to his family and we even spent some “alone time together” if you know what I mean. I thought to myself, “could this be real? Could I have actually met a guy online?” I believed it was official between us when he took his profile off the dating site. Just when all was good and we were progressing into something - he disappeared. No calls, no emails, nothing, he vanished! So I did some investigating and found that he had put his profile back up and he was on his way to the next C & P victim. With more examining, I found that he actually never took his profile off. Apparently you can make it look like your profile is off when it actually is not. Also, when I went back and read the letters he sent, I noticed he never really answered most of my questions instead he was just going on and on about himself. I showed my friend, who was online dating too, the letters and she concluded he was a C & P guy. She totally broke it down for me and explained the C & P guy. Apparently they are out there, online and ready with any type of reply you desire. Guess you can say the verdict was out on this dud and we were not compatible either.

So there you have it Sister 2 – what are we singles supposed to do in situations like these? I took the technological/New Age route to meet a guy…and this happens. People do meet significant others online, in fact my friend is marrying a guy she met online. But what do you do when you put yourself out there, meet a couple potentials and they turn out to be duds?

Sister 2
Well…this is something I have yet to really crack the code to. Sister 1 is HOT. Don’t get me wrong when I say hot, she is SMOKING. I happen to be “cute” in case you are wondering, but I am definitely not hot, and I know this because when sister 1 would visit me in NYC my friends and I would shove her in front of us to get us the cherry tables at restaurants, not that we couldn’t get in on our own, but with HER along it was like a bonus track you didn’t know was on the CD until you accidentally forgot to take it off while you were making out and right in the middle of the most important part requiring concentration “LA LA LA LA !!” and you are like OH CRAP SHRINKAGE and then…woah cool a bonus track…

Anyway she is beyond hotness, yet she can’t find a man period. How is it that you can walk into anywhere and command the attention of every guy in the room yet none of them stick around for more than 3 dates? As much as I want my sister to be a victim of all these guys and their crap at some point I had to stop rescuing her ego and ask the question: what are YOU doing that is making this stuff go awry? Turns out, a few things but here is specifically what went weird with the internet men:

Guy number 1: OK…here it is…he is cute, funny blah blah blah YET he doesn’t drink and is totally religious, so much so he belongs to a CHRISTIAN SURFING TEAM and regularly meets with these guys to “hit the waves” OMG! Are you serious? How the hell is surfing mashed up with Christians even OK? Real surfers worship THE WAVES…their spirituality is connected to the water, smoking out and/or drinking and not having any job that keeps them from this. UGH nothing makes me more annoyed then someone who MUST identify themselves as a Christian before going any further. GEEZ…remember that part of the bible that states: The MEEK shall inherit the earth? Go be meek dammit and leave your beliefs out of it until I get to know you better. OK so as if this wasn’t a red flag enough (I mean hey, if you are a Christian, go ahead with your bad self but Sister 1 and I are clearly not into exposing our spirituality to the masses) HE DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL. It needs to be said again: HE DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL YOU ASS, SISTER 1! Yes, I understand that people out there have problems with addiction and are sober by choice (or force) and I am not saying anything disparaging about anyone who has realized they have a problem and is dealing with it head on. In our case however, we are from a HUGE family of people fond of the drink who are in total denial about our habits and we live by the adage sister one mentioned above as was taught to us by BOTH our dad and Secret Agent Lover Man’s dad as well. If you choose to date someone who doesn’t drink, and you happen to LOVE to drink, you are taking on a whole slew of issues including the fact that if you genuinely like to party, get loose and out of control now and then you are facing the complete scrutiny of a person who will undoubtedly judge you and deem you below themselves. This is the last thing that sister 1 needs is someone looking down at her—and guess what? That is exactly what happened.

WHY did she date him in the first place? Again, the code I cannot crack. With so many red flags…yet one day she was swooning over him like he was the greatest thing ever…why!? Then of course…crushed when it didn’t work out…UGH!! He was never right in the first place!!

Guy number 2: Well…with him it was plain and simple to me. She moved way too fast, too hard, and slept with him way too soon. You will see this as a pattern as we move forward in our quest. She took being introduced to the family as a big deal when in fact it was as was mentioned before, family is a gauntlet. Clearly the family deemed her as moving too fast and to top this off in case you didn’t read between the lines she was obsessive on the internet: checking his profile, “investigating”? Who does that? If some guy was doing that to her she would FLIP OUT! That is borderline stalking…if a guy was doing that to her I would take out a hit on him (which means call my brother who is a cop and have him call the guy with a threatening message, yeah I got that pull so you all best watch out).

Anyways again…totally devastated. DEVASTATED. I am still surprised by this because I am the type who breaks it off, consumes a fine bottle of Zin while eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (OMG wine and ice cream are almost as perfect as pizza and beer) whilst watching some awesome girly film (Pride & Prejudice for example, yes the entire PBS version, duh) cries until I am done and then moves on. Come on there is ALWAYS another guy out there. ALWAYS, especially for her because she is so damn hot.

She has yet to really own her hotness which is maybe the main issue…or not…I am confused. We have a visitor here this weekend who brought the baby a Wiggles Guitar and I thought they died or something but thankfully Yahoo answers explained they didn’t die but millions of moms apparently did when they disbanded. Poor moms. I am going to keep blasting Rob Zombie and plan to join his moms group…he has one, right?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Douche Bigalow Part Deux

Sister 1
Since the can of worms has been opened, I will begin the story about sabotage later and address one more story on Douche Bigalow. This is the: HE WOULD NOT STOP CALLING story. Actually, let me get this clear, he did stop calling when he got a new girlfriend (because she would check his phone) and instead he would email or end up at parties and events that I was invited to, get belligerently drunk when I wouldn’t show and call out my name “WHERE’S SISTER OOOOONNNNEEEE*???” It was ridiculous!!

However, there was a little part of me inside that was like “he still wants me” and “he’s just not that into HER!” Yes, I took pride in the fact that he wanted me around. Yet after a year of me not attending parties and functions that he went to and missing out for sheer pleasure of hearing the stories of him calling out my name, I figured a year was a good enough time to see him again. Actually he took it upon himself to have the nerve to call and ask me, my best friend ( and her family out to lunch. I thought it would be JUST him, but HE BROUGHT THE NEW GIRLFRIEND and her best friend along!! TWISTED EH?! Never fear, I held my own (and had a few too MANY beers) and got through the day, thanks to the BFF. Yet, it was the most F’ed up thing an ex can do. Who EVER wants to meet the “rebound”? And why was it important to him for me to be his “friend”? Anyhow, from there he thought the line of communication was open. The calling, texting, emailing, airplane with a banner over head asking “how was I doing?” contact began. Yes, I did answer the phone (most the time) and I did respond to about 75% of the texting and emailing, but what was I to do? There wasn’t anyone else around keeping my attention. <- ENTER SABOTAGE! Now can we drop the freaking Douche Bags and get to the ZERO’s already sis?!

*name has been changed to protect the innocent

Sister 2
OH NO sister 1…there are so many more stories to tell…but for now I will remain as I have been and just respond from my perspective which is what I will title THE EMAIL YOU NEVER WANT FROM YOUR LOVERS FAMILY MEMBER EVER.

Basically here it is: the freaking phone would not stop ringing—then the emails flooded…and I am a child of the 80’s so don’t even get me started on texting…what the hell is that anyway?

So…here we are: picture a night of fun and revelry. The baby is asleep, we are well on our way through a bottle of fine Cab when BBEEEEPP BBLLOOP BBBEEEP whatever the hell it is calls my sister out of her haze of delicious Tobin Paso Robles Cab (2004) and into the downward spiral that is “oh man, he texted what should I do?” UGH. Well thankfully she decided not to respond (each time) but is that enough for Douche? NO of course the text is always closely followed by a message. Here is an example of one if you are curious:
Heeeey hey Seester 1*. Whaats up? I mean hey, how areg you doo-ang? UM. My friend (who is a friend of a friend of a friend BY THE WAY) juss died. Yeah. Thought you want to know thess an all. Yeah.” Click…

Meanwhile, never mind my (our) grandmother just died, sister 1 had called to let him know (OMG WHY?!?!) and this is his response…THIS IS HIS RESPONSE? I only typed it twice because I seriously couldn’t believe it myself! This Douche calls my sister after the devastating death of a woman who has had an indelible effect on both of our lives to let her know his pain of the loss of a person he didn’t even know…excuse me? OH never mind because YES we should all pause because DOUCHE Bigalow has suffered too…he has totally been bummed by this loss to the world of extreme sports so we should all feel his pain, never mind OUR FREAKING GRANDMOTHER totally passed away and we were going to WA. To see family and deal with all sorts of BS that goes along with this. The result of this (and a few hundred in my estimation) drunken nights of dialing and convoluted messages of “hey guess where I am right now” etc… resulted in: THE EMAIL. I had to do it. What else was I going to do?

I wrote to him and asked him to cease and desist immediately…well OK what I really did was challenge his intentions. I expressed to him IF he was intending on marrying my sister by all means he should continue communicating with her but if not he should respectfully step down. In my friends words it was “time to step up, or step off.” I agreed, so I put it into my best English teacher speak and sent it off. GUESS WHAT? Sister 1 hasn’t heard a word sense…hmmm…seems like Douche Bigalow was really liking Sister 1 “being there” until it cost something…maaan I am going to say again…don’t mess with a sister 2 on a mission…but also…I am bummed too…like I sort of hoped he was more of a man…damn.

OK I am digressing here in a way but this is because The Real Housewives of NY are on and I am a recent immigrant from NYC so I just can’t keep my head on straight with these idiots and their “skinny margarita’s” which if any drinker knows their business we all know that one glass of wine or one shot or one beer are all the same calories (provided you only have one of each at a time)…but hey if it’s called “skinny” go ahead with your shot of Patron in a glass with limes and skip that wine so there is more for me…because seriously…what was I talking about? Patron…not so much my fave as Casadores…OK anyway…we can move on to the Zero stories (these are the men sister 1 has had post Douche) However, it’s up to you, dear readers, would you like more Douche…or post-Douche and the stories of the pick-yourself-up-off-the windshield-he’s just-not- “the one” type? You tell us…there is so little space for so much debauchery I only hope you are there to let us know the direction to take it all!

For those of you from the momjeansblogger: THANK YOU for reading. Who knows where this will go I am only hoping Duran Duran will somehow be involved…in concert live…just for me…on my 40th…just in case they are reading…or at least Simon is…

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The story about Douche Bigalow

Sister 1
Of course she went there! I mean as the little sister your life can NEVER be anything but on BLAST by your older sister. Which is fun only when you're in a drunken setting and can laugh at yourself, but since she's brought it up, here we go.
The story of Douche Bigalow...
Have you ever met "that guy" that you fall deeply in love with, where you both plan your lives around the life you created together and give up most of yourself (without realizing) while being with him? Then when all is going well (slightly fabricated) he "geniusly" figures out (at a strip club) that being with one girl "just isn't enough" and from there he completely shatters your world. I mean to the point where being sick, not eating - then binging, crying, puking, annoying your friends and family with the "whys?" are elementary to this heartache. Well...that is Douche Bigalow! It took him over 8 years and many attempts in asking me out on a date until I went out with him. When I finally gave in and went on a date or three, I was still weary of what he wanted from me. However, he was fun, funny, immature, adventurous, and unlike anything I had ever dated in the past, so I went for it. About a year into dating him and the whirlwind romance he put me through, I was his. The trips everywhere around the world, the love he had for me, the pedestal he put me on, the way he smiled at me and got my jokes, I was undeniably, completely, utterly in love and totally his. Two years into the relationship, after he asked my father for my hand in marriage (that was after our first year) yet failed to ever ask me and while all our friends were getting married and the people we surrounded ourselves with were moving on with their single lives and getting into their married ones, he looked at me one day and said "I don't think I ever want to get married". And from that, I was crushed! I don't mean, "ah damn, I'm crushed". I mean...."You damn DOUCHE! You not only broke my heart but you have totally insulted me as a woman, completely embarrassed me in front of our family and friends, wasted my time....damn it you just plain SUCK AS A MAN. Wait....not a man because that would be a compliment, you're a dumb ass boy!"
From that day forward and for the past few years began my ever so endearing life of sabotage on myself.

Sister 2
Well, now its out there and I am sure anyone reading this would instantly become sympathetic to my poor sisters plight. Oh the agony of it all and all of that...well...truth be told a few things go on in my mind upon seeing her words of pain dripping out all over a of them of course being "oh crap I need a bigger glass of wine" and another much less significant = boredom. I am so bored of the "Ex Story" my eyes can't even roll farther up into my head without requiring corrective surgery. Yes she was hurt horribly and he is an ass and all of this but do you know what? She could have avoided all of this if she had just LISTENED to her sister, to her family, and to her friends...yes in that order.
Rule number 1 when dating: if you like the person they must meet your family. Consider us a gauntlet. If they can make it through a meeting with the crazy people who know everything about you then they will be there when you fart accidentally at the BBQ place and hold your hair back when hours later you realize that yes those slices of crispy skin really did taste a litle "off". Bottom line: your family knows you and all your dirty little secrets but they also want you to be happy so they will try hard to please as bad as that goes and you will see the future of your relationship in your loves expression as they either brush off the Viet Nam stories your dad tells after having way to many beers or they will be deeply disturbed which means you dont want them anyway because they dont respect the fact your dad is a Viet Nam Vet and enjoys the drink.
Sister 1 did not introduce this person to ME until she had been dating him for over a year. A YEAR. Red Flag anyone? What kills me is she knew this all along. She knew I wasnt going to "get" him and when Secret Agent Lover Man (my husband) met him and also expressed disapproval it was in stone, and Douce Bigalow was born. It was only a matter of time (in our estimation) when she would wake up and dump his hairy (EW! so hairy) ass...
So we waited, and it happened, she dumped him. Then she began to pine...and this, fair readers, is where we will pick up next time because I am almost out of wine and really into this episode of Bones. Seruously, I love Bones but I have a question: We can't see Angel, I mean detective whats-his-name-who-used-to-be-Angel-on-Buffy naked but we can see an entire womans body crushed whole and her head splatted by a car tire? WTF??
Adieu, Adieu, to you and you and you!

Whine & Cheese

Allow me to introduce myself:
I am single, in my 30s and currently living with my sister, brother-in-law, their newborn baby, a dog and a rabbit. Life has brought me to this place by......chance? or my mistakes? Preferably I would like to say it is by chance, I mean I never would have thought that I would be here at 32. By here I mean never been married, no child, somewhat jobless and living "at home". But I am here and I own it. Plus, I have to say, there are some benefits to it....such as my sister is a great cook & psychologist (by nature not trade), my brother-in-law (with his dry humor) cracks me up all the time, I am totally in love with my nephew, the dog is my running partner and the rabbit....well, let's just say that little guy is still alive well after he should have kicked the bucket. So with all the mistakes I made along the way to get here, I am here. Hopefully I am not going to "over stay my welcome" once this blog my sister and I are creating gets up and running ~ If you know what I mean!

So this must make me the married, somewhat older, wiser (definitely wrinklier & fatter) older sister that said younger singleton above has come to live with. Truthfully it was by design (is there a thing called "design intervention"?) husband and I are teachers in a community that happens to be the 3rd most expensive in the US and teach at a school that is in one of the 5 lowest paying districts in the I came to the decision after all these years to actually have a kid it happened to occur at the exact moment my sis was in crisis. She was laid off, the victim of a ex we refer to as Douche Bigalow, and well...I needed daycare that was family and free. Wow how the universe works to save us all at times. So, by design intervention she is here as the best Auntie Hottie there is and I am here to help her not only get a man but come on, to help her gain confidence, insight, the meaning of self, how to be empowered and well yes, keep her as an indentured servant until all of the realization factors above turn her against me.

Together with the amount of whining, cheesiness, wine we imbibe and cheese we consume it is the perfect scenario for a 21st century family.