Thursday, September 10, 2009

Liar Liar Computer on Fire!

Sister 1
What is with guys lying online? I don’t get it! In order to even place a profile you have to go through pages and pages of “about you”. Depending on the site, it can take hours to fill out. From favorite things to do, eat, music, dislikes, religion, etc. The one I’m on took me, Sister 2 and another friend about 45 minutes and a bottle of wine to make mine complete. And when we were done it was (is) great and honest.

So what is with guys lying online? Do they think we women are desperate? Do they think because we are online we are easy and eager to have “anything”? I came across this profile of a guy my family and I know and he’s (1) lying about his age by at least 4 years, (2) says he’s never been married and truthfully he’s divorced and (3) says he has no children, in which he has three girls! I don’t get it! All of these things are products of who he is…so why would he lie?

I’m telling you, if he weren’t a dentist and going to clean my teeth and fix a cavity for free, then I would TOTALLY call him out!

Sister 2
Well, darling, this is because people lie, period. Would anyone want a date with a divorcee who has 3 kids? NO. He can reel the unsuspecting lady in then reveal the big surprise much later after he has cleaned & bleached her teeth so many times for free she is addicted to how they look & by then she will be so enamored it won’t matter. THIS is what he is thinking.

Guys lie in bars. Guys lie at the gym. Guys lie to tell the lady whatever it is they think she wants because guys want to have sex, & this is how they succeed in getting it. Girls lie about their age, lie about their interests so theirs match his, girls lie about how much time they spend getting ready, that they LOVE giving head, & this is all because we want him to fall in love with us. We decide they are perfect for us so then we begin proving it to them by…well…in many cases lying, especially to ourselves. How many times have you said you liked something you really didn’t care for that much just to be agreeable? SEE? Then we wonder why he changed when it doesn’t work out…hmmm.

Never forget that men give love for sex & women give sex for love. A man will tell you he loves you to get laid…women will lay a guy to hear “I love you”. It’s all in the wiring. Many women forget this & fall into the trap time & time again. We think we can do it & walk away…but by the time you are at the car you are picking out what to wear the next time you two go out, completely forgetting there will not be a next time, he got what he came for (literally) & you did too…& now you are breaking the rules because you lied to him & to yourself from the beginning.

Dating on-line is just another bar scene. There are genuine relationship-minded people out there & there are lying liars who only want to hook up. Break the mold & stop lying. Then you have the power.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Are You Eligible? Can You Comment?

Sister 2

OK I have read a few blogs out there and realized I am addicted to comments. Do you know some people have over 100 comments on posts? Dang…that’s a lot of love. If someone writes a Blog & no one is around to comment on it, does it make a sound? Uh...Whatever. Here is what I have been working on while the baby sleeps:

The Top 10 List of Rules to be Eligible to Date Sister 1

1. You must have a job. I don’t care if you work on a street corner waving a sign directing people to go into Little Caesars. You must have a job--& if this is your job you can say you are in Marketing & Advertising, possibly a Professional Dancer as well depending on how good you are at getting people to honk at you and to buy Pizza! Pizza! of course!

2. You must have your own place to live. Your friends couch is not your own place.

3. You must be able to drink but also know “when” is “when”. Hey Douche Bigalow! This was your downfall!

4. You must tolerate really bad reality TV. don’t have to know everything going on in the Real Housewives of whichever seasons lives, that would be creepy in fact, but you have to understand that to Sister 1, this is like her football, baseball, or soccer you love so much (see #5).

5. You must like some sport enough to name names/stats. You have to be able to hold a conversation with Dad and Secret-Agent-Lover-Man, both of whom are rabid sports fans enough to talk the talk with anyone, anytime. They are so into sports that Secret-Agent-Lover-Man can talk Jai-Alai if prompted!

6. You must be good at cooking. Sister 1 once substituted cucumber for zucchini. This is not a lie. She really didn’t know the difference and was stuck with 2 gallons of soup all to herself as a result which she did eat over a period of time in batches, I have to give it to her. So, as a matter of survival you don’t have to be Top Chef, but you do have to know enough to know the difference between cucumber & zucchini and, neither is a metaphor for your penis, by the way. Just saying.

7. You should have a nicer, newer than 1990's car. Sister 1 has a hoop that could blow any minute. Your car is the preferred method of transportation. Oh and in case you were wondering, your car does not count for rule #2 either.

8. You have to like & understand the significance of Twilight, and then agree on how fast downhill to crap-town the rest of the series went after this. All right, I admit it; this is the way to my heart. Sister 1 started Twilight in like 2007 or something & is still reading it…hey, she savors her books!

9. You should either: Be a medical doctor, know one as a friend, be an EMT or have an EMT friend, know how to treat injuries like shin splints, be a veterinarian, a pharmacist, pharmaceutical sales person, something like this anyway because hey—Sister 1 don’t got no insurance and is running a Marathon in October! Come on Obama, get my sister some coverage, she works hard & looks great in her shorts!

Finally, 10. You must love cheese. It is true. She loves to eat cheese and has a great cheesy side to her as well. This includes enjoying cruises & singing karaoke. All forms of cheese are welcome. She is an equal-opportunity lover of cheese.

So…what's on your list for eligibility? What have I overlooked? Help a sister out! LEAVE COMMENTS!!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Imaginary Wedding

Sister 1

So I have been looking! Searching, dating meeting, winking and although this has been SO MUCH FUN, I still can't win the battle going on in my head. Almost immediately when I say "yes" to a date - of course this is after I went over “the potential’s” profile and checked out his photos again - I go into a fantasy world state of mind. Looking at “the potential’s” photos, I instantly imagine how our first date will be, then our next, our first kiss, if he'd be good in bed, his proposal to me, our wedding, where we would live....list continues....It's Crazy! It's as if I'm living in the mind of Charlotte from Sex and the City! I have always believed in love stories and when I was younger I even had a timeline (20 years old - meet "the guy", 23 - get engaged, 25 - married, 27 - begin having kids). I have since passed all of those ages and none of it happened. I believe there are white horses, chivalry, and a handsome prince. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have watched Dirty Dancing and Grease everyday when I was a young girl. But I am doing my best to get out of my head, stop thinking this way and instead enjoy the ride of dating. It’s just hard when everywhere I look, there is another love story where the man comes running and sweeps the woman off her feet.

Sister 2

The other day a friend & I were talking about “what happened”. What I mean is we talked about how we are approaching 40 & our lives are great, but at the same time, not exactly as we expected them to be. For example, I am living my sister’s life. I was never going to get married. If I did then I was DEFINTELY never going to have children. I mean I seriously wanted to get a hysterectomy at 18. I never wanted kids and never even wanted to have a period ever again. So how is it that I am now happily married for over 13 years & pregnant with baby #2? THIS IS NOT MY LIFE! But, it is, & I am not complaining at all, but how weird.

When I was a preteen I worshipped Alexis Carrington. I strived to be Erica Kane. I absolutely never expected to have a man do anything for me; I would do it all & they would be at my mercy. I never planned my dream wedding at an early age & as far as Grease goes I liked Marty Maraschino (like the cherry). I didn’t like Dirty Dancing b/c I thought Baby was weird looking & Patrick Swayze looked like an old man preying on her. If I was to be married I was going to be like Jennifer Hart. Exactly like her in every way, & I still envy her amazing hair.

Therefore, Sister 1 & I have traded places. I have her life of a stable career, husband, 1.5 kids & cute little beach house. She is single, can do anything & go anywhere she wants to, can be open to any options life hands her & most of all has nothing weighing her down to stop her from any of it. Her life is my ideal, yet here she is obsessed with what she feels she is missing. Being in love with the idea of love is never going to get her anywhere…yet here we are.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Get Over It: Girls Just Don’t Marry Alphas

Sister 2
Sister 1 is on-line dating. There, I said it. For those of you who are just like me & say to yourself “She’s on what?” I mean she is an official member of something like or but definitely NOT to the tune of $39.99 & up for a month. The good news here is that if she does not calm down, have fun, get some free meals & even more free cocktails out of it & possibly someone chill to spend some good innocent time with on a regular basis, my glamorous friend & I get to pick ALL of the prospects for her to “date” come month 2. Here is where On Line Dating becomes fun for your family & friends!

One thing I noticed right away when searching through the throngs of men available is that Sister 1 & I have very different tastes. For example, she is instantly attracted to the face, the photo of the person whereas I instantly go to two areas: whether or not they are divorced & whether or not this divorce involves children & #2: their job. Excuse me, but one of my requirements for her is that they actually possess one. So while she is drooling or oohing & ahhing over the photos of these guys that ALWAYS include 2 – 3 things: The No Shirt, The Dog, & the Prop My Niece or Nephew Up On Me photos, I am searching out the job, kid sitch & a few key phrases in their bio that speak to me of their integrity.

As a result of this endeavor I have concluded from my vast research that Girls Do Not Marry Alphas. I got the idea from an episode of True Blood in which the Freaky Sex lady/Possibly Minotaur/Totally Obsessed With Food character says to the Man Who Becomes a Dog character: “You are no Alpha”. Suddenly I was struck: That’s why his character is slightly annoying but extremely adorable = he’s MARRIAGE material!

Now take a poll amongst your friends: who is married or in a serious relationship with an Alpha? I bet NONE. Yes our men are cute, sexy, all ours, dedicated, loyal etc…but are any of them LL Cool J? Now ask yourself: Would you want a loving, long lasting relationship with LL Cool J or long hot nights of crazy “doin it & doin it & doin it well?” Do you want him saying “I love your mind” or “Its jiggling baby, go ahead baby?” COME ON…You & I know the answer. Anytime an interviewer talks about his kids its like zzzzzz can’t you just have him lick his lips on camera for the whole time?

Girls marry Betas. We go for the potential, the diamond in the rough, the guy who has no qualms about picking us up tampons while out on a run for Tequila. The guy who can whip up a BBQ feast, has a vast knowledge of sports or something else they are passionate about, doesn’t care if they sleep in the same shirt they wear the next day & over all LOVES us & thanks us every day for being in their lives. This is why Johhny Depp is so damn appealing…or the newest Beta on the block Bradley Cooper. These are guys who make awkward cool without knowing it, something women have known is sexy for ages. We like to sex up Alphas but when it comes to settling down & chilling in front of TV, Beta Boys rule.
This is because WE are the Alphas, as far as I can see. Our men need us as much (even more so) as we need them & as soon as Sister 1 figures out this simple formula the sooner I get to start picking out office furniture that will replace her room!

Sister 1
Yes, I am internet dating and LOVE IT! I have been having a blast winking, emailing, IM’ing, texting, talking on the phone and dating. I have never dated in the past so this whole “dating” thing is all new to me. Most of my “relationships” were fast (like instant) or completely non-existent. Also, I have never dated more than one person at a time, instead I always focused on one person and when it was time to move on to the next, I would drop them and then move on (or vice versa). So this has been a totally new endeavor for me and so much fun at the same time.

I have had a couple different random experiences with this whole thing too. First off, (totally out of the blue) I went out with a guy friend who brought two other guys with him and low and behold one of them was someone I had been previously emailing online. It was crazy! All in all, he turned out to be just that (crazy) and I never emailed him again. But how random huh?

Then I went out for a girls night and there were at least five guys there that I had seen when I was searching, or ones that had reached out to me with an email. A friend of mine ended up dancing with one of the guys and exchanged numbers with him. The next day her and I looked him up on the site and got the dirty on him. Fun times! And helpful for her too. Now she’s living vicariously through me and my online venture.

My first date was quite an experience. When I agreed to go out on my first date I was totally nervous. First off, this was a “day time” date and had no alcohol on the agenda. In the past alcohol had been my saving grace when sparking up a convo with a guy. Before I went, I was worried because all that kept going through my head was “what do you talk with a guy about whom you don’t know when there is no alcohol in your system?” But I got through it, had a great time and the guy…? Well the guy told me I had a “great spirit” at the end and I knew then we would only have that one date. The next day I had another date with a new guy and he turned out to be a dud. We planned on having one drink and that was all we had. One drink, one hour later and I was home emailing some new prospects.

In between the weird encounters, I have had some fun ones too. Managing to have an average of two- three dates a week has been awesome and because of it my savings account has been seeing more positive numbers than red ones. Also, because of my sister’s desires I have taken on a new role of Alpha (although I’m always a Delta x3 at heart) and just exploring what males are out there. Oh and I don’t know what sister 2 is thinking…I am in no mind set now for a “relationship” now that dating is in my vocabulary. AKA – she created a dating monster. So she needs to stop searching for office furniture and start clearing our vases for all the flower arrangements I’m getting.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Sister 2 Can Beat Up Your Sister

Sister 2
Well, it’s just me again. Sister 1 is out of commission. It’s just like the Jersey Housewives…Dina (Sister 1) makes a mess so bulldog Caroline (me) cleans it up. It will always be this way; it is my duty as the oldest. I will take the blame, the heat, the brunt of it all, just so her life is protected from it all. Pretty crazy. I never even put it together until we were watching the finale and then I realized I am not only Caroline in appearance (sans the Kate + 8 haircut…though I did have that haircut in the 90’s I must admit) I am Caroline in attitude. I will take the hits because in the end it doesn’t matter, and frankly I can take it. I am kind of a badass that way. It’s my girlish bulldog charm I suppose.
So…on to other issues. Why did I find myself picking out bridal gowns on TV for Sister 1 this morning? Why do I clip out destination wedding locations of magazines and place them on her bed? Why do I watch really horrid Rom-Com’s like New In Town and wonder why my sister can’t suddenly find herself needing to conduct business in Minnesota just so she can meet the only cute boy in a town of quirky but loveable residents who would never be the least bit appealing in real life?
Sister 1 has yet to find anyone the least bit worthy of betrothal, yet I have the wedding basically planned including my toast to the happy couple and the diet I will succumb to so I will look amazing and everyone will then “get it” that we are related—what is wrong with me?
Lets get a few things straight. I am a feminist in every means of the word. I support womens rights and teach my students to empower themselves because the world is still man-centric and we need to be aware of how to work the system. I shun princesses, being “saved” by a man, aspiring to marry a rich man whether than bringing your own money into the mix, and so on…therefore why am I so obsessed with Sister 1 settling down, having babies, and above all: having the wedding to end all weddings, moving into a McMansion in the OC, Jersey, Atlanta, Long Island, insert your favorite Real Housewife locale here…??
Worse than my issues…what kind of pressure does this bring Sister 1? Every guy I meet, and I mean each and every one that I come across that seems cute becomes an instant prospect to make my sisters dreams come true. My husband, Secret-Agent-Lover-Man, gets sick of it too. Once I met a guy who was fine…I mean f-i-n-e juicy fine. After he left I asked “is he single?” Secret-Agent-Lover-Man had a FIT. “I knew you were going to ask that!”He yelled at me, “You always ask!” Never mind the guy was a semi-con, couch surfing, deadbeat dad whose daughter will likely become famous for writing a memoir which will be turned into screenplay based on her dads loser-ness that Will Smith will get an Oscar for. That’s the level of loser this juicy man attained. Did I care? Not so much…he was single!
UGH, if only I had the Jersey Ladies money—then at least I could turn this into a Bravo TV show!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sister 1 Dates the Master of Golden Showers

Sister 2
Lately I am having issues with Sister 1. In case you didn’t notice she has not posted anything in a long time. Now I ask you, why start a blog only to get people excited then leave them hanging out to dry? I have no answer…only that she doesn’t have time, not much to say, I don’t know…so I will regale you with a story just for fun titled:
How Many of Sister 1’s Boyfriends Have I Scared Off?
This idea came to me when I was walking with Sister 1 and my mind flashed to this weird Seinfeld-y looking guy she had introduced my husband and I to way back. I also thought of it because our good friend who happens to also be a great bartender asked me to not focus the next blog on all of Sister 1’s issues and maybe offer that I too have issues. OK SHE IS WRONG but hey I will admit this much: I have minor tiny little flaws that, well, have successfully scared off more than one boy in Sister 1’s life, and perhaps this is a problem? So…Seinfeld was this kid she was dating who looked like Seinfeld but was not even funny in the least bit and above all had none of Seinfeld’s money but I allowed her to introduce me to him anyways because why not? We were going to be doing Dr. Pepper’s at this bar near her place and if you haven’t tried a Dr. Pepper please do so…they are very delicious and although now I have to say I am a little to old to do the “popper” style shots I was on vacation so its totally OK to do shots that involve dropping something into a beer and slamming it down fast when (and only when) you are out of town and find yourself over the age of 30.
Seinfeld spent the evening playing Golden Putt-Putt or something like this which of course I referred to as Golden Shower all night. He was obsessed with it. He even got Secret-Agent-Lover-Man to play who is a video gamer and a golfer so there goes my husband – so much for quality time at the bar – and then there was me and Sister 1, left with nothing to do but more Dr. Peppers and to try not to get in a bar fight which has been known to happen when Secret-Agent-Lover-Man abandons me for a game of Golden Shower and leaves me with Sister1…OK…
Any fights that occurred aside the evening ended with me asking Seinfeld about his intentions. Let me tell all of you sisters and brothers out there that the SECOND your sister (it only works with boys unfortunately) brings home an undesirable man, ask him about his intentions. You will see nothing but a flash of light, catch a faint whiff of Drakkar Noir, and sense the door shut with nary a swoosh as he exits your immediate area – and more importantly – your sisters life forever. It only works with boys because if you ask a girl her intentions…well its likely she has a few…thousand…so it is only effective at repelling boys.
I did it. I admit it. I didn’t like him so I scared him off. He wasn’t cute, looked like an eager pledge for a fraternity, was obsessed with playing Golden Shower instead of getting to know ME and worst of all was broke-ass-broke-down going Dutch with my sister.
See? We all have our little miniscule flaws…and now friends, you have strategies within which to employ the next time your sister dates a pale comparison to Seinfeld!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Continuing the Sabotage – The Stalker

Sister 1
Since the internet dating didn’t go as well as planned, I figured I should forego that whole endeavor and meet guys the old fashioned way ~ get completely black-out wasted drunk at a bar with some of my closest girlfriends, wake up with a gnarly headache, cotton mouth, bruised up, still in the dress and makeup from the night before and with some guys digits half written on my hand and the other half backwards smudged on my forehead.

After a dose of the booze blues from the call of shames I had to make I found out from my best friends that not only did I met “a guy”, but I had smoked a pack of cigarettes with him, somewhat ate sushi, fell twice, gave him my number/email/shoe size/bra size, gave him a ring of mine because we were playing “we just got married” all night and refused to leave with my friends only making them stuff me in the car via the Hulk Hogan sleeper hold to get me home safely.

I knew this wasn’t over, I mean come on we were playing “married”. So of course, two days later, he called (they always call). I did not answer my cell because I had no idea what his name was. Thankfully, he (Stalker) left his name and I (stupidly) called him back. Stalker seemed to be a nice guy. He was a tad bit older than me, lived in the LA area, was not in the “business” and was really charming on the phone. He asked me for my email and I gave it to him after all he seemed ‘ok’. After about a week and a half of email exchanges and phone calls he got me to go out on a date with him. Stalker rode his motorcycle over an hour to take me out to dinner and a walk on the beach. It was a fun evening, but I really wasn’t all that into him during and after the date. I thought that he was “ok”, yet geographically undesirable and a little too clingy. Luckily, the day after the date I had plans to go with my girlfriends on a trip to the river and I thought “I’ll not talk to him while I’m gone and I’ll just let it go when I get back.”

is where the Stalking began…..

All of a sudden, Stalker was trying his hardest to contact me. While on my trip he texted me the whole time. When I got back, all in one day his attempts to contact me were found all over my work phone, through emails, IM’s, text messages and cell phone. It was CRAZY! I actually FINALLY picked up the phone after what felt like his 100th attempt and told him “We had one date, this was WAY too much for me and I didn’t want to have anything to do with him”. I felt so good after that and thought I was in the clear. NOPE I WAS WRONG! He still made a call, text and IM to me after I said it was over. After ignoring them I again thought was in the clear. Until that night, outside of my bedroom window (thankfully my bedroom was on the third floor) at 4 o’clock in the morning someone was blasting the song “These Days” by Rascal Flatts over and over again. I did not look out the window because I was terrified! After about an hour the music stopped, however I did not go back to sleep instead I got ready for work and went to a local coffee shop where I knew I would be amongst people and then went to work. I told all the girls at work about this and they were all pretty freaked out, then we all laughed at what a crazy he was and we all thought it was over. UNTIL THE NEXT DAY at work I received a 2 day Fed EX package sent to my job. I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY MIND TO OPEN IT!!! I had no idea what it could be. Was it a bomb? Was he trying to kill me? So I made the only male in my office (my boss) open it. He has sent me a handwritten 7 page front and back letter about his feelings and “us”. Included in the package was the ring that I gave him and two handmade sticker pasties with tassels for my boobs when I go to the river with friends. IT WAS THE MOST BIZARRE, SCARY, CREEPY, COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH, EERIE and WEIRDEST thing I have ever gotten from a guy. After this encounter, I was over it! I called the cops and began the process of getting a restraining order against him. HE WAS A F@#$ING SCARY MAN!!! I heard from him one last time a few weeks later. He texted me telling me he was moving to “OZ”. I did not respond and instead thought “WHAT A WACKO!!!” I seriously thought this dude was moving into a psycho ward named “OZ”, little did I know OZ meant Australia. Anyhow, thankfully I have never heard from Stalker Freak-a-zoid again!

Sister 2 – How do you avoid Stalkers? Can you really meet a nice guy in a bar or are they all stalkers?

Sister 2
Sorry to everyone for this taking so long to get out. Believe it or not I have just finished the work to obtain my masters degree, so sister 1 was being very patient with me while I screamed at everyone in the house and basically had them running for the hills (OK running to the brewery down the street to which come on they weren’t that hesitant to get out of my way) with my insanity and negativity. But now we are back…and get ready this ride is a crazy one!

So…my perception of the Stalker was that I was totally freaked out. Who wouldn’t be? Seriously the guy cut little pieces of paper up, painstakingly pasted them to tassels and sent my sister PASTIES!! WTF? Who does that? It’s like that episode of Hart to Hart when Jennifer had the stalker guy and he cut out all those little pieces of paper from magazines and made a whole collage of her head…eeew so creepy. Just the thought of a guy spending that much time cutting up things from magazines makes me totally heebie-jeebied.

WHO cuts up magazines? OK besides little kids making collages and paper mache planets? Stalkers and Kidnappers that’s who. UGH then this whole incident brings me back to square 1. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY SISTER THAT SHE CANNOT FIND A DECENT GUY? So many of us have got drunk at bars and dated the idiot that thought we were “so cute” when we were drooling and smearing our makeup all over the inside of their car, then again all over their sheets and pillows, yet how come we are able to wake up the next day, let the guy take us to breakfast and then make a swift and speedy break for it exclaiming “OK I’ll call you tomorrow” on the way out the door?

Is this my sister’s lot in life? Is this the best she can do? I mean the guy was referencing “Say Anything” and “Flashdance”…eew no matter how much I love those movies you cant explain away this guy…

This, dear readers, is why we are here today. I need help. I need answers. I need to know how in this day and age someone like my sister who has so much to offer is her own worst enemy, a calculated saboteur of her own well being, and quite possibly a terrorist of the most destructible kind. Is it possible to be your own personal Al-Qaeda? Who can I alert, we are at DEFCON 5.

OH and apparently…girls wear Pasties now instead of bikini tops…don’t tell my husband, I still like the whole process of watching him save up dollar bills and our nights out at strip bars. Hey I get good service at strip bars and a ton of attention!