Saturday, April 18, 2009

Let the Sabotage begin – Internet Dating –

Sister 1
Since I lived with some of mine and Douche Bigalow’s mutual friends and was always around friends that had ties with my ex, the pool of men that I could date from was extremely shallow. When I would meet someone new and I would tell them my name SOMEHOW they knew that I was Douche Bigalow’s ex and wouldn’t want to date me because that would be “stepping on his toes”. It was a title that I hated and one that I did everything to get rid of because damn it I wanted to date!

So what was a healthy, happy, 30 year old in her prime, party girl that loves to kiss guys to do? INTERNET DATE! I was soooo embarrassed about this that I only told my sister, my best friend and one good friend (who was online dating too) that I was on the World Wide Web for dating. In fact, I didn’t even put a photo of myself up on the first site I joined because I was mortified that someone I knew would see me on there and somehow it would get back to the Douche. I mean crap, he had a girlfriend and I….I’m on the internet trying to find a boyfriend. HOW PATHETIC! A part of me was totally mortified however another part of me felt empowered. I didn’t have to respond to anyone I didn’t want to. I would check the guys out, give them a “rose” if I liked them and somehow the two of us would create this fantasy relationship through letter writing and “winks”. It was magical! I totally had control of the whole situation and was never waiting for a call or a text…just a beautiful letter that explained everything about him(s). It was like I was set back in time where people courted one another through letter writing. SO ROMANTIC…right? Eventually I took letters out into the real world and dated two guys from two different sites I was on. I was going to go out with a lot more than just two guys but I noticed that when I gave some of the other guys my number it got weird. I would get texts and calls all day long, even some of them sending me photos of “their goods”. <-Which is freaking awkward when you have never met someone, but you’ve already met their penis? I want to meet you first, not your little friend!!!

Guy #1. FREAKING ADORABLE, HANDSOME, AWESOME, LOTS OF GREAT QUALITIES….he was great, EXCEPT for he was not a drinker (dad says: “never date a guy that doesn’t drink!”), totally into church (we were two different religions), way too into money (that he didn’t have but “will one day”) a bit controlling and way too into his dog. He was so into that damn dog that she ran the house. Her toys, bowls of water and slobber was all over the apartment and what totally made me hack was he would make out with her! I mean honestly… are you really going to try to kiss me after you kiss your canine? I don’t think so!!! BARF! Never fear people I am a dog lover but I don’t need to make out with one. Moving on, the two of us went out for a while (couple of months) and it was fun (sober fun….eh!). He was all these things (good and bad), BUT he never made a move on me and that weirded me out. I mean COME ON PUT OUT ALREADY!!!! I had felt many times that he was into me while we were making out (if you know what I mean) and wanted I to get it on damn it! But no! NOPE he was an ice king and that is where I had to draw the line. Plus his controlling characteristic really began to come out. From controlling sex (I mean no sex) to only doing what he wanted to do (without any input from me) and THE KICKER he would go to sleep at like 8 or 9 at night. NO ONE OUR FREAKING AGE GOES TO BED BY 8 OR 9 PM!!!! It was so bizarre. In the rest of the single/dating world, dinner is not even served until after 8 so how could he go to sleep by 8? It began to become a lame relationship to me and basically we just weren’t as “compatible” as the site made us out to be.

Guy #2: Another good looking guy who had money (lawyer), was funny, smart, witty, BUT to my surprise (didn’t figure this out until later) he was a cut and paste (C & P) guy. Meaning = he had his letters already done and would cut and paste them into new messages to new girls he’d meet online. What a brilliant idea huh? Here I was thinking this guy was into getting to know me because he was passionate and so telling about himself in his letters…all the while not knowing that there were probably a dozen other women out there with the same letters from him.

While under his charming spell, we went out for a couple months and it was a lot of fun. We talked all the time, hung out a lot, he introduced me to his family and we even spent some “alone time together” if you know what I mean. I thought to myself, “could this be real? Could I have actually met a guy online?” I believed it was official between us when he took his profile off the dating site. Just when all was good and we were progressing into something - he disappeared. No calls, no emails, nothing, he vanished! So I did some investigating and found that he had put his profile back up and he was on his way to the next C & P victim. With more examining, I found that he actually never took his profile off. Apparently you can make it look like your profile is off when it actually is not. Also, when I went back and read the letters he sent, I noticed he never really answered most of my questions instead he was just going on and on about himself. I showed my friend, who was online dating too, the letters and she concluded he was a C & P guy. She totally broke it down for me and explained the C & P guy. Apparently they are out there, online and ready with any type of reply you desire. Guess you can say the verdict was out on this dud and we were not compatible either.

So there you have it Sister 2 – what are we singles supposed to do in situations like these? I took the technological/New Age route to meet a guy…and this happens. People do meet significant others online, in fact my friend is marrying a guy she met online. But what do you do when you put yourself out there, meet a couple potentials and they turn out to be duds?

Sister 2
Well…this is something I have yet to really crack the code to. Sister 1 is HOT. Don’t get me wrong when I say hot, she is SMOKING. I happen to be “cute” in case you are wondering, but I am definitely not hot, and I know this because when sister 1 would visit me in NYC my friends and I would shove her in front of us to get us the cherry tables at restaurants, not that we couldn’t get in on our own, but with HER along it was like a bonus track you didn’t know was on the CD until you accidentally forgot to take it off while you were making out and right in the middle of the most important part requiring concentration “LA LA LA LA !!” and you are like OH CRAP SHRINKAGE and then…woah cool a bonus track…

Anyway she is beyond hotness, yet she can’t find a man period. How is it that you can walk into anywhere and command the attention of every guy in the room yet none of them stick around for more than 3 dates? As much as I want my sister to be a victim of all these guys and their crap at some point I had to stop rescuing her ego and ask the question: what are YOU doing that is making this stuff go awry? Turns out, a few things but here is specifically what went weird with the internet men:

Guy number 1: OK…here it is…he is cute, funny blah blah blah YET he doesn’t drink and is totally religious, so much so he belongs to a CHRISTIAN SURFING TEAM and regularly meets with these guys to “hit the waves” OMG! Are you serious? How the hell is surfing mashed up with Christians even OK? Real surfers worship THE WAVES…their spirituality is connected to the water, smoking out and/or drinking and not having any job that keeps them from this. UGH nothing makes me more annoyed then someone who MUST identify themselves as a Christian before going any further. GEEZ…remember that part of the bible that states: The MEEK shall inherit the earth? Go be meek dammit and leave your beliefs out of it until I get to know you better. OK so as if this wasn’t a red flag enough (I mean hey, if you are a Christian, go ahead with your bad self but Sister 1 and I are clearly not into exposing our spirituality to the masses) HE DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL. It needs to be said again: HE DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL YOU ASS, SISTER 1! Yes, I understand that people out there have problems with addiction and are sober by choice (or force) and I am not saying anything disparaging about anyone who has realized they have a problem and is dealing with it head on. In our case however, we are from a HUGE family of people fond of the drink who are in total denial about our habits and we live by the adage sister one mentioned above as was taught to us by BOTH our dad and Secret Agent Lover Man’s dad as well. If you choose to date someone who doesn’t drink, and you happen to LOVE to drink, you are taking on a whole slew of issues including the fact that if you genuinely like to party, get loose and out of control now and then you are facing the complete scrutiny of a person who will undoubtedly judge you and deem you below themselves. This is the last thing that sister 1 needs is someone looking down at her—and guess what? That is exactly what happened.

WHY did she date him in the first place? Again, the code I cannot crack. With so many red flags…yet one day she was swooning over him like he was the greatest thing ever…why!? Then of course…crushed when it didn’t work out…UGH!! He was never right in the first place!!

Guy number 2: Well…with him it was plain and simple to me. She moved way too fast, too hard, and slept with him way too soon. You will see this as a pattern as we move forward in our quest. She took being introduced to the family as a big deal when in fact it was as was mentioned before, family is a gauntlet. Clearly the family deemed her as moving too fast and to top this off in case you didn’t read between the lines she was obsessive on the internet: checking his profile, “investigating”? Who does that? If some guy was doing that to her she would FLIP OUT! That is borderline stalking…if a guy was doing that to her I would take out a hit on him (which means call my brother who is a cop and have him call the guy with a threatening message, yeah I got that pull so you all best watch out).

Anyways again…totally devastated. DEVASTATED. I am still surprised by this because I am the type who breaks it off, consumes a fine bottle of Zin while eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (OMG wine and ice cream are almost as perfect as pizza and beer) whilst watching some awesome girly film (Pride & Prejudice for example, yes the entire PBS version, duh) cries until I am done and then moves on. Come on there is ALWAYS another guy out there. ALWAYS, especially for her because she is so damn hot.

She has yet to really own her hotness which is maybe the main issue…or not…I am confused. We have a visitor here this weekend who brought the baby a Wiggles Guitar and I thought they died or something but thankfully Yahoo answers explained they didn’t die but millions of moms apparently did when they disbanded. Poor moms. I am going to keep blasting Rob Zombie and plan to join his moms group…he has one, right?


  1. He's out there be patient and careful...
    Qualities to look for:
    Humble, he needs to be full of you, not himself!
    and above all a drinker or he will never fit in with the rest of us.

  2. You're right, sista number 1, sista number 2 is a total hottie!!! Only good things are to come for her.