Monday, June 22, 2009

Sister 2 Can Beat Up Your Sister

Sister 2
Well, it’s just me again. Sister 1 is out of commission. It’s just like the Jersey Housewives…Dina (Sister 1) makes a mess so bulldog Caroline (me) cleans it up. It will always be this way; it is my duty as the oldest. I will take the blame, the heat, the brunt of it all, just so her life is protected from it all. Pretty crazy. I never even put it together until we were watching the finale and then I realized I am not only Caroline in appearance (sans the Kate + 8 haircut…though I did have that haircut in the 90’s I must admit) I am Caroline in attitude. I will take the hits because in the end it doesn’t matter, and frankly I can take it. I am kind of a badass that way. It’s my girlish bulldog charm I suppose.
So…on to other issues. Why did I find myself picking out bridal gowns on TV for Sister 1 this morning? Why do I clip out destination wedding locations of magazines and place them on her bed? Why do I watch really horrid Rom-Com’s like New In Town and wonder why my sister can’t suddenly find herself needing to conduct business in Minnesota just so she can meet the only cute boy in a town of quirky but loveable residents who would never be the least bit appealing in real life?
Sister 1 has yet to find anyone the least bit worthy of betrothal, yet I have the wedding basically planned including my toast to the happy couple and the diet I will succumb to so I will look amazing and everyone will then “get it” that we are related—what is wrong with me?
Lets get a few things straight. I am a feminist in every means of the word. I support womens rights and teach my students to empower themselves because the world is still man-centric and we need to be aware of how to work the system. I shun princesses, being “saved” by a man, aspiring to marry a rich man whether than bringing your own money into the mix, and so on…therefore why am I so obsessed with Sister 1 settling down, having babies, and above all: having the wedding to end all weddings, moving into a McMansion in the OC, Jersey, Atlanta, Long Island, insert your favorite Real Housewife locale here…??
Worse than my issues…what kind of pressure does this bring Sister 1? Every guy I meet, and I mean each and every one that I come across that seems cute becomes an instant prospect to make my sisters dreams come true. My husband, Secret-Agent-Lover-Man, gets sick of it too. Once I met a guy who was fine…I mean f-i-n-e juicy fine. After he left I asked “is he single?” Secret-Agent-Lover-Man had a FIT. “I knew you were going to ask that!”He yelled at me, “You always ask!” Never mind the guy was a semi-con, couch surfing, deadbeat dad whose daughter will likely become famous for writing a memoir which will be turned into screenplay based on her dads loser-ness that Will Smith will get an Oscar for. That’s the level of loser this juicy man attained. Did I care? Not so much…he was single!
UGH, if only I had the Jersey Ladies money—then at least I could turn this into a Bravo TV show!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sister 1 Dates the Master of Golden Showers

Sister 2
Lately I am having issues with Sister 1. In case you didn’t notice she has not posted anything in a long time. Now I ask you, why start a blog only to get people excited then leave them hanging out to dry? I have no answer…only that she doesn’t have time, not much to say, I don’t know…so I will regale you with a story just for fun titled:
How Many of Sister 1’s Boyfriends Have I Scared Off?
This idea came to me when I was walking with Sister 1 and my mind flashed to this weird Seinfeld-y looking guy she had introduced my husband and I to way back. I also thought of it because our good friend who happens to also be a great bartender asked me to not focus the next blog on all of Sister 1’s issues and maybe offer that I too have issues. OK SHE IS WRONG but hey I will admit this much: I have minor tiny little flaws that, well, have successfully scared off more than one boy in Sister 1’s life, and perhaps this is a problem? So…Seinfeld was this kid she was dating who looked like Seinfeld but was not even funny in the least bit and above all had none of Seinfeld’s money but I allowed her to introduce me to him anyways because why not? We were going to be doing Dr. Pepper’s at this bar near her place and if you haven’t tried a Dr. Pepper please do so…they are very delicious and although now I have to say I am a little to old to do the “popper” style shots I was on vacation so its totally OK to do shots that involve dropping something into a beer and slamming it down fast when (and only when) you are out of town and find yourself over the age of 30.
Seinfeld spent the evening playing Golden Putt-Putt or something like this which of course I referred to as Golden Shower all night. He was obsessed with it. He even got Secret-Agent-Lover-Man to play who is a video gamer and a golfer so there goes my husband – so much for quality time at the bar – and then there was me and Sister 1, left with nothing to do but more Dr. Peppers and to try not to get in a bar fight which has been known to happen when Secret-Agent-Lover-Man abandons me for a game of Golden Shower and leaves me with Sister1…OK…
Any fights that occurred aside the evening ended with me asking Seinfeld about his intentions. Let me tell all of you sisters and brothers out there that the SECOND your sister (it only works with boys unfortunately) brings home an undesirable man, ask him about his intentions. You will see nothing but a flash of light, catch a faint whiff of Drakkar Noir, and sense the door shut with nary a swoosh as he exits your immediate area – and more importantly – your sisters life forever. It only works with boys because if you ask a girl her intentions…well its likely she has a few…thousand…so it is only effective at repelling boys.
I did it. I admit it. I didn’t like him so I scared him off. He wasn’t cute, looked like an eager pledge for a fraternity, was obsessed with playing Golden Shower instead of getting to know ME and worst of all was broke-ass-broke-down going Dutch with my sister.
See? We all have our little miniscule flaws…and now friends, you have strategies within which to employ the next time your sister dates a pale comparison to Seinfeld!