Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The story about Douche Bigalow

Sister 1
Of course she went there! I mean as the little sister your life can NEVER be anything but on BLAST by your older sister. Which is fun only when you're in a drunken setting and can laugh at yourself, but since she's brought it up, here we go.
The story of Douche Bigalow...
Have you ever met "that guy" that you fall deeply in love with, where you both plan your lives around the life you created together and give up most of yourself (without realizing) while being with him? Then when all is going well (slightly fabricated) he "geniusly" figures out (at a strip club) that being with one girl "just isn't enough" and from there he completely shatters your world. I mean to the point where being sick, not eating - then binging, crying, puking, annoying your friends and family with the "whys?" are elementary to this heartache. Well...that is Douche Bigalow! It took him over 8 years and many attempts in asking me out on a date until I went out with him. When I finally gave in and went on a date or three, I was still weary of what he wanted from me. However, he was fun, funny, immature, adventurous, and unlike anything I had ever dated in the past, so I went for it. About a year into dating him and the whirlwind romance he put me through, I was his. The trips everywhere around the world, the love he had for me, the pedestal he put me on, the way he smiled at me and got my jokes, I was undeniably, completely, utterly in love and totally his. Two years into the relationship, after he asked my father for my hand in marriage (that was after our first year) yet failed to ever ask me and while all our friends were getting married and the people we surrounded ourselves with were moving on with their single lives and getting into their married ones, he looked at me one day and said "I don't think I ever want to get married". And from that, I was crushed! I don't mean, "ah damn, I'm crushed". I mean...."You damn DOUCHE! You not only broke my heart but you have totally insulted me as a woman, completely embarrassed me in front of our family and friends, wasted my time....damn it you just plain SUCK AS A MAN. Wait....not a man because that would be a compliment, you're a dumb ass boy!"
From that day forward and for the past few years began my ever so endearing life of sabotage on myself.

Sister 2
Well, now its out there and I am sure anyone reading this would instantly become sympathetic to my poor sisters plight. Oh the agony of it all and all of that...well...truth be told a few things go on in my mind upon seeing her words of pain dripping out all over a of them of course being "oh crap I need a bigger glass of wine" and another much less significant = boredom. I am so bored of the "Ex Story" my eyes can't even roll farther up into my head without requiring corrective surgery. Yes she was hurt horribly and he is an ass and all of this but do you know what? She could have avoided all of this if she had just LISTENED to her sister, to her family, and to her friends...yes in that order.
Rule number 1 when dating: if you like the person they must meet your family. Consider us a gauntlet. If they can make it through a meeting with the crazy people who know everything about you then they will be there when you fart accidentally at the BBQ place and hold your hair back when hours later you realize that yes those slices of crispy skin really did taste a litle "off". Bottom line: your family knows you and all your dirty little secrets but they also want you to be happy so they will try hard to please as bad as that goes and you will see the future of your relationship in your loves expression as they either brush off the Viet Nam stories your dad tells after having way to many beers or they will be deeply disturbed which means you dont want them anyway because they dont respect the fact your dad is a Viet Nam Vet and enjoys the drink.
Sister 1 did not introduce this person to ME until she had been dating him for over a year. A YEAR. Red Flag anyone? What kills me is she knew this all along. She knew I wasnt going to "get" him and when Secret Agent Lover Man (my husband) met him and also expressed disapproval it was in stone, and Douce Bigalow was born. It was only a matter of time (in our estimation) when she would wake up and dump his hairy (EW! so hairy) ass...
So we waited, and it happened, she dumped him. Then she began to pine...and this, fair readers, is where we will pick up next time because I am almost out of wine and really into this episode of Bones. Seruously, I love Bones but I have a question: We can't see Angel, I mean detective whats-his-name-who-used-to-be-Angel-on-Buffy naked but we can see an entire womans body crushed whole and her head splatted by a car tire? WTF??
Adieu, Adieu, to you and you and you!


  1. Wait a minute! I like Bam and all, but did she really fart at the BBQ place? That's a deal breaker for me!

  2. I just gave you a shout on my blog!
    You're welcome!
    I hope your server can handle the two extra readers you get.

  3. One reader down, one more to go :-)

    I think if more people listened to their families, the divorce rate would be cut in half.

    The return to arranged marriages, maybe?

  4. Wow, yah, I have to agree with Sister 2 on this one. If you wait over a year to introduce him to your family, you must know something is up!

  5. hehehe! oh i mean poor sister 1, that guy was really crappy.

  6. Got here via Kristens blog.

    Awesome drunken rant with poorly formed paragraphs.

    I'm a fan.

    I'll be back. I might even send you guys some wine.

  7. Should listen to Fam... Sis knew what she was talkin' bout'. Remember this... FAM WILL NEVER LIE TO YA!
    Awe Bambino...
    p.s. I also heard Farts run in the Fam, along w/BBQ's

  8. Hey S n' M... how bout' a naked Edward?? Not enough description in New Moon. I like to think he is especially "HOT!"
    p.s. Beer also runs in the Fam