Thursday, April 16, 2009

Douche Bigalow Part Deux

Sister 1
Since the can of worms has been opened, I will begin the story about sabotage later and address one more story on Douche Bigalow. This is the: HE WOULD NOT STOP CALLING story. Actually, let me get this clear, he did stop calling when he got a new girlfriend (because she would check his phone) and instead he would email or end up at parties and events that I was invited to, get belligerently drunk when I wouldn’t show and call out my name “WHERE’S SISTER OOOOONNNNEEEE*???” It was ridiculous!!

However, there was a little part of me inside that was like “he still wants me” and “he’s just not that into HER!” Yes, I took pride in the fact that he wanted me around. Yet after a year of me not attending parties and functions that he went to and missing out for sheer pleasure of hearing the stories of him calling out my name, I figured a year was a good enough time to see him again. Actually he took it upon himself to have the nerve to call and ask me, my best friend ( and her family out to lunch. I thought it would be JUST him, but HE BROUGHT THE NEW GIRLFRIEND and her best friend along!! TWISTED EH?! Never fear, I held my own (and had a few too MANY beers) and got through the day, thanks to the BFF. Yet, it was the most F’ed up thing an ex can do. Who EVER wants to meet the “rebound”? And why was it important to him for me to be his “friend”? Anyhow, from there he thought the line of communication was open. The calling, texting, emailing, airplane with a banner over head asking “how was I doing?” contact began. Yes, I did answer the phone (most the time) and I did respond to about 75% of the texting and emailing, but what was I to do? There wasn’t anyone else around keeping my attention. <- ENTER SABOTAGE! Now can we drop the freaking Douche Bags and get to the ZERO’s already sis?!

*name has been changed to protect the innocent

Sister 2
OH NO sister 1…there are so many more stories to tell…but for now I will remain as I have been and just respond from my perspective which is what I will title THE EMAIL YOU NEVER WANT FROM YOUR LOVERS FAMILY MEMBER EVER.

Basically here it is: the freaking phone would not stop ringing—then the emails flooded…and I am a child of the 80’s so don’t even get me started on texting…what the hell is that anyway?

So…here we are: picture a night of fun and revelry. The baby is asleep, we are well on our way through a bottle of fine Cab when BBEEEEPP BBLLOOP BBBEEEP whatever the hell it is calls my sister out of her haze of delicious Tobin Paso Robles Cab (2004) and into the downward spiral that is “oh man, he texted what should I do?” UGH. Well thankfully she decided not to respond (each time) but is that enough for Douche? NO of course the text is always closely followed by a message. Here is an example of one if you are curious:
Heeeey hey Seester 1*. Whaats up? I mean hey, how areg you doo-ang? UM. My friend (who is a friend of a friend of a friend BY THE WAY) juss died. Yeah. Thought you want to know thess an all. Yeah.” Click…

Meanwhile, never mind my (our) grandmother just died, sister 1 had called to let him know (OMG WHY?!?!) and this is his response…THIS IS HIS RESPONSE? I only typed it twice because I seriously couldn’t believe it myself! This Douche calls my sister after the devastating death of a woman who has had an indelible effect on both of our lives to let her know his pain of the loss of a person he didn’t even know…excuse me? OH never mind because YES we should all pause because DOUCHE Bigalow has suffered too…he has totally been bummed by this loss to the world of extreme sports so we should all feel his pain, never mind OUR FREAKING GRANDMOTHER totally passed away and we were going to WA. To see family and deal with all sorts of BS that goes along with this. The result of this (and a few hundred in my estimation) drunken nights of dialing and convoluted messages of “hey guess where I am right now” etc… resulted in: THE EMAIL. I had to do it. What else was I going to do?

I wrote to him and asked him to cease and desist immediately…well OK what I really did was challenge his intentions. I expressed to him IF he was intending on marrying my sister by all means he should continue communicating with her but if not he should respectfully step down. In my friends words it was “time to step up, or step off.” I agreed, so I put it into my best English teacher speak and sent it off. GUESS WHAT? Sister 1 hasn’t heard a word sense…hmmm…seems like Douche Bigalow was really liking Sister 1 “being there” until it cost something…maaan I am going to say again…don’t mess with a sister 2 on a mission…but also…I am bummed too…like I sort of hoped he was more of a man…damn.

OK I am digressing here in a way but this is because The Real Housewives of NY are on and I am a recent immigrant from NYC so I just can’t keep my head on straight with these idiots and their “skinny margarita’s” which if any drinker knows their business we all know that one glass of wine or one shot or one beer are all the same calories (provided you only have one of each at a time)…but hey if it’s called “skinny” go ahead with your shot of Patron in a glass with limes and skip that wine so there is more for me…because seriously…what was I talking about? Patron…not so much my fave as Casadores…OK anyway…we can move on to the Zero stories (these are the men sister 1 has had post Douche) However, it’s up to you, dear readers, would you like more Douche…or post-Douche and the stories of the pick-yourself-up-off-the windshield-he’s just-not- “the one” type? You tell us…there is so little space for so much debauchery I only hope you are there to let us know the direction to take it all!

For those of you from the momjeansblogger: THANK YOU for reading. Who knows where this will go I am only hoping Duran Duran will somehow be involved…in concert live…just for me…on my 40th…just in case they are reading…or at least Simon is…


  1. That's pretty funny, I can totally picture you both saying all of this!
    Let's hear more of after Douche Bag Bigalow! We all know that he's a loser and Sister 1 deserves someone way better than him. Any prospects now?

  2. I knew what I was going to say until you mentioned duran duran. Thoughts of my John Taylor distracted me and now I forgot what I was going to say.
    Oh yeah, I want some post-douche stories!

  3. i'd like to hear ALL of the