Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Continuing the Sabotage – The Stalker

Sister 1
Since the internet dating didn’t go as well as planned, I figured I should forego that whole endeavor and meet guys the old fashioned way ~ get completely black-out wasted drunk at a bar with some of my closest girlfriends, wake up with a gnarly headache, cotton mouth, bruised up, still in the dress and makeup from the night before and with some guys digits half written on my hand and the other half backwards smudged on my forehead.

After a dose of the booze blues from the call of shames I had to make I found out from my best friends that not only did I met “a guy”, but I had smoked a pack of cigarettes with him, somewhat ate sushi, fell twice, gave him my number/email/shoe size/bra size, gave him a ring of mine because we were playing “we just got married” all night and refused to leave with my friends only making them stuff me in the car via the Hulk Hogan sleeper hold to get me home safely.

I knew this wasn’t over, I mean come on we were playing “married”. So of course, two days later, he called (they always call). I did not answer my cell because I had no idea what his name was. Thankfully, he (Stalker) left his name and I (stupidly) called him back. Stalker seemed to be a nice guy. He was a tad bit older than me, lived in the LA area, was not in the “business” and was really charming on the phone. He asked me for my email and I gave it to him after all he seemed ‘ok’. After about a week and a half of email exchanges and phone calls he got me to go out on a date with him. Stalker rode his motorcycle over an hour to take me out to dinner and a walk on the beach. It was a fun evening, but I really wasn’t all that into him during and after the date. I thought that he was “ok”, yet geographically undesirable and a little too clingy. Luckily, the day after the date I had plans to go with my girlfriends on a trip to the river and I thought “I’ll not talk to him while I’m gone and I’ll just let it go when I get back.”

is where the Stalking began…..

All of a sudden, Stalker was trying his hardest to contact me. While on my trip he texted me the whole time. When I got back, all in one day his attempts to contact me were found all over my work phone, through emails, IM’s, text messages and cell phone. It was CRAZY! I actually FINALLY picked up the phone after what felt like his 100th attempt and told him “We had one date, this was WAY too much for me and I didn’t want to have anything to do with him”. I felt so good after that and thought I was in the clear. NOPE I WAS WRONG! He still made a call, text and IM to me after I said it was over. After ignoring them I again thought was in the clear. Until that night, outside of my bedroom window (thankfully my bedroom was on the third floor) at 4 o’clock in the morning someone was blasting the song “These Days” by Rascal Flatts over and over again. I did not look out the window because I was terrified! After about an hour the music stopped, however I did not go back to sleep instead I got ready for work and went to a local coffee shop where I knew I would be amongst people and then went to work. I told all the girls at work about this and they were all pretty freaked out, then we all laughed at what a crazy he was and we all thought it was over. UNTIL THE NEXT DAY at work I received a 2 day Fed EX package sent to my job. I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY MIND TO OPEN IT!!! I had no idea what it could be. Was it a bomb? Was he trying to kill me? So I made the only male in my office (my boss) open it. He has sent me a handwritten 7 page front and back letter about his feelings and “us”. Included in the package was the ring that I gave him and two handmade sticker pasties with tassels for my boobs when I go to the river with friends. IT WAS THE MOST BIZARRE, SCARY, CREEPY, COMPLETELY OUT OF TOUCH, EERIE and WEIRDEST thing I have ever gotten from a guy. After this encounter, I was over it! I called the cops and began the process of getting a restraining order against him. HE WAS A F@#$ING SCARY MAN!!! I heard from him one last time a few weeks later. He texted me telling me he was moving to “OZ”. I did not respond and instead thought “WHAT A WACKO!!!” I seriously thought this dude was moving into a psycho ward named “OZ”, little did I know OZ meant Australia. Anyhow, thankfully I have never heard from Stalker Freak-a-zoid again!

Sister 2 – How do you avoid Stalkers? Can you really meet a nice guy in a bar or are they all stalkers?

Sister 2
Sorry to everyone for this taking so long to get out. Believe it or not I have just finished the work to obtain my masters degree, so sister 1 was being very patient with me while I screamed at everyone in the house and basically had them running for the hills (OK running to the brewery down the street to which come on they weren’t that hesitant to get out of my way) with my insanity and negativity. But now we are back…and get ready this ride is a crazy one!

So…my perception of the Stalker was that I was totally freaked out. Who wouldn’t be? Seriously the guy cut little pieces of paper up, painstakingly pasted them to tassels and sent my sister PASTIES!! WTF? Who does that? It’s like that episode of Hart to Hart when Jennifer had the stalker guy and he cut out all those little pieces of paper from magazines and made a whole collage of her head…eeew so creepy. Just the thought of a guy spending that much time cutting up things from magazines makes me totally heebie-jeebied.

WHO cuts up magazines? OK besides little kids making collages and paper mache planets? Stalkers and Kidnappers that’s who. UGH then this whole incident brings me back to square 1. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY SISTER THAT SHE CANNOT FIND A DECENT GUY? So many of us have got drunk at bars and dated the idiot that thought we were “so cute” when we were drooling and smearing our makeup all over the inside of their car, then again all over their sheets and pillows, yet how come we are able to wake up the next day, let the guy take us to breakfast and then make a swift and speedy break for it exclaiming “OK I’ll call you tomorrow” on the way out the door?

Is this my sister’s lot in life? Is this the best she can do? I mean the guy was referencing “Say Anything” and “Flashdance”…eew no matter how much I love those movies you cant explain away this guy…

This, dear readers, is why we are here today. I need help. I need answers. I need to know how in this day and age someone like my sister who has so much to offer is her own worst enemy, a calculated saboteur of her own well being, and quite possibly a terrorist of the most destructible kind. Is it possible to be your own personal Al-Qaeda? Who can I alert, we are at DEFCON 5.

OH and apparently…girls wear Pasties now instead of bikini tops…don’t tell my husband, I still like the whole process of watching him save up dollar bills and our nights out at strip bars. Hey I get good service at strip bars and a ton of attention!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Let the Sabotage begin – Internet Dating –

Sister 1
Since I lived with some of mine and Douche Bigalow’s mutual friends and was always around friends that had ties with my ex, the pool of men that I could date from was extremely shallow. When I would meet someone new and I would tell them my name SOMEHOW they knew that I was Douche Bigalow’s ex and wouldn’t want to date me because that would be “stepping on his toes”. It was a title that I hated and one that I did everything to get rid of because damn it I wanted to date!

So what was a healthy, happy, 30 year old in her prime, party girl that loves to kiss guys to do? INTERNET DATE! I was soooo embarrassed about this that I only told my sister, my best friend and one good friend (who was online dating too) that I was on the World Wide Web for dating. In fact, I didn’t even put a photo of myself up on the first site I joined because I was mortified that someone I knew would see me on there and somehow it would get back to the Douche. I mean crap, he had a girlfriend and I….I’m on the internet trying to find a boyfriend. HOW PATHETIC! A part of me was totally mortified however another part of me felt empowered. I didn’t have to respond to anyone I didn’t want to. I would check the guys out, give them a “rose” if I liked them and somehow the two of us would create this fantasy relationship through letter writing and “winks”. It was magical! I totally had control of the whole situation and was never waiting for a call or a text…just a beautiful letter that explained everything about him(s). It was like I was set back in time where people courted one another through letter writing. SO ROMANTIC…right? Eventually I took letters out into the real world and dated two guys from two different sites I was on. I was going to go out with a lot more than just two guys but I noticed that when I gave some of the other guys my number it got weird. I would get texts and calls all day long, even some of them sending me photos of “their goods”. <-Which is freaking awkward when you have never met someone, but you’ve already met their penis? I want to meet you first, not your little friend!!!

Guy #1. FREAKING ADORABLE, HANDSOME, AWESOME, LOTS OF GREAT QUALITIES….he was great, EXCEPT for he was not a drinker (dad says: “never date a guy that doesn’t drink!”), totally into church (we were two different religions), way too into money (that he didn’t have but “will one day”) a bit controlling and way too into his dog. He was so into that damn dog that she ran the house. Her toys, bowls of water and slobber was all over the apartment and what totally made me hack was he would make out with her! I mean honestly… are you really going to try to kiss me after you kiss your canine? I don’t think so!!! BARF! Never fear people I am a dog lover but I don’t need to make out with one. Moving on, the two of us went out for a while (couple of months) and it was fun (sober fun….eh!). He was all these things (good and bad), BUT he never made a move on me and that weirded me out. I mean COME ON PUT OUT ALREADY!!!! I had felt many times that he was into me while we were making out (if you know what I mean) and wanted I to get it on damn it! But no! NOPE he was an ice king and that is where I had to draw the line. Plus his controlling characteristic really began to come out. From controlling sex (I mean no sex) to only doing what he wanted to do (without any input from me) and THE KICKER he would go to sleep at like 8 or 9 at night. NO ONE OUR FREAKING AGE GOES TO BED BY 8 OR 9 PM!!!! It was so bizarre. In the rest of the single/dating world, dinner is not even served until after 8 so how could he go to sleep by 8? It began to become a lame relationship to me and basically we just weren’t as “compatible” as the site made us out to be.

Guy #2: Another good looking guy who had money (lawyer), was funny, smart, witty, BUT to my surprise (didn’t figure this out until later) he was a cut and paste (C & P) guy. Meaning = he had his letters already done and would cut and paste them into new messages to new girls he’d meet online. What a brilliant idea huh? Here I was thinking this guy was into getting to know me because he was passionate and so telling about himself in his letters…all the while not knowing that there were probably a dozen other women out there with the same letters from him.

While under his charming spell, we went out for a couple months and it was a lot of fun. We talked all the time, hung out a lot, he introduced me to his family and we even spent some “alone time together” if you know what I mean. I thought to myself, “could this be real? Could I have actually met a guy online?” I believed it was official between us when he took his profile off the dating site. Just when all was good and we were progressing into something - he disappeared. No calls, no emails, nothing, he vanished! So I did some investigating and found that he had put his profile back up and he was on his way to the next C & P victim. With more examining, I found that he actually never took his profile off. Apparently you can make it look like your profile is off when it actually is not. Also, when I went back and read the letters he sent, I noticed he never really answered most of my questions instead he was just going on and on about himself. I showed my friend, who was online dating too, the letters and she concluded he was a C & P guy. She totally broke it down for me and explained the C & P guy. Apparently they are out there, online and ready with any type of reply you desire. Guess you can say the verdict was out on this dud and we were not compatible either.

So there you have it Sister 2 – what are we singles supposed to do in situations like these? I took the technological/New Age route to meet a guy…and this happens. People do meet significant others online, in fact my friend is marrying a guy she met online. But what do you do when you put yourself out there, meet a couple potentials and they turn out to be duds?

Sister 2
Well…this is something I have yet to really crack the code to. Sister 1 is HOT. Don’t get me wrong when I say hot, she is SMOKING. I happen to be “cute” in case you are wondering, but I am definitely not hot, and I know this because when sister 1 would visit me in NYC my friends and I would shove her in front of us to get us the cherry tables at restaurants, not that we couldn’t get in on our own, but with HER along it was like a bonus track you didn’t know was on the CD until you accidentally forgot to take it off while you were making out and right in the middle of the most important part requiring concentration “LA LA LA LA !!” and you are like OH CRAP SHRINKAGE and then…woah cool a bonus track…

Anyway she is beyond hotness, yet she can’t find a man period. How is it that you can walk into anywhere and command the attention of every guy in the room yet none of them stick around for more than 3 dates? As much as I want my sister to be a victim of all these guys and their crap at some point I had to stop rescuing her ego and ask the question: what are YOU doing that is making this stuff go awry? Turns out, a few things but here is specifically what went weird with the internet men:

Guy number 1: OK…here it is…he is cute, funny blah blah blah YET he doesn’t drink and is totally religious, so much so he belongs to a CHRISTIAN SURFING TEAM and regularly meets with these guys to “hit the waves” OMG! Are you serious? How the hell is surfing mashed up with Christians even OK? Real surfers worship THE WAVES…their spirituality is connected to the water, smoking out and/or drinking and not having any job that keeps them from this. UGH nothing makes me more annoyed then someone who MUST identify themselves as a Christian before going any further. GEEZ…remember that part of the bible that states: The MEEK shall inherit the earth? Go be meek dammit and leave your beliefs out of it until I get to know you better. OK so as if this wasn’t a red flag enough (I mean hey, if you are a Christian, go ahead with your bad self but Sister 1 and I are clearly not into exposing our spirituality to the masses) HE DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL. It needs to be said again: HE DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL YOU ASS, SISTER 1! Yes, I understand that people out there have problems with addiction and are sober by choice (or force) and I am not saying anything disparaging about anyone who has realized they have a problem and is dealing with it head on. In our case however, we are from a HUGE family of people fond of the drink who are in total denial about our habits and we live by the adage sister one mentioned above as was taught to us by BOTH our dad and Secret Agent Lover Man’s dad as well. If you choose to date someone who doesn’t drink, and you happen to LOVE to drink, you are taking on a whole slew of issues including the fact that if you genuinely like to party, get loose and out of control now and then you are facing the complete scrutiny of a person who will undoubtedly judge you and deem you below themselves. This is the last thing that sister 1 needs is someone looking down at her—and guess what? That is exactly what happened.

WHY did she date him in the first place? Again, the code I cannot crack. With so many red flags…yet one day she was swooning over him like he was the greatest thing ever…why!? Then of course…crushed when it didn’t work out…UGH!! He was never right in the first place!!

Guy number 2: Well…with him it was plain and simple to me. She moved way too fast, too hard, and slept with him way too soon. You will see this as a pattern as we move forward in our quest. She took being introduced to the family as a big deal when in fact it was as was mentioned before, family is a gauntlet. Clearly the family deemed her as moving too fast and to top this off in case you didn’t read between the lines she was obsessive on the internet: checking his profile, “investigating”? Who does that? If some guy was doing that to her she would FLIP OUT! That is borderline stalking…if a guy was doing that to her I would take out a hit on him (which means call my brother who is a cop and have him call the guy with a threatening message, yeah I got that pull so you all best watch out).

Anyways again…totally devastated. DEVASTATED. I am still surprised by this because I am the type who breaks it off, consumes a fine bottle of Zin while eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s (OMG wine and ice cream are almost as perfect as pizza and beer) whilst watching some awesome girly film (Pride & Prejudice for example, yes the entire PBS version, duh) cries until I am done and then moves on. Come on there is ALWAYS another guy out there. ALWAYS, especially for her because she is so damn hot.

She has yet to really own her hotness which is maybe the main issue…or not…I am confused. We have a visitor here this weekend who brought the baby a Wiggles Guitar and I thought they died or something but thankfully Yahoo answers explained they didn’t die but millions of moms apparently did when they disbanded. Poor moms. I am going to keep blasting Rob Zombie and plan to join his moms group…he has one, right?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Douche Bigalow Part Deux

Sister 1
Since the can of worms has been opened, I will begin the story about sabotage later and address one more story on Douche Bigalow. This is the: HE WOULD NOT STOP CALLING story. Actually, let me get this clear, he did stop calling when he got a new girlfriend (because she would check his phone) and instead he would email or end up at parties and events that I was invited to, get belligerently drunk when I wouldn’t show and call out my name “WHERE’S SISTER OOOOONNNNEEEE*???” It was ridiculous!!

However, there was a little part of me inside that was like “he still wants me” and “he’s just not that into HER!” Yes, I took pride in the fact that he wanted me around. Yet after a year of me not attending parties and functions that he went to and missing out for sheer pleasure of hearing the stories of him calling out my name, I figured a year was a good enough time to see him again. Actually he took it upon himself to have the nerve to call and ask me, my best friend ( and her family out to lunch. I thought it would be JUST him, but HE BROUGHT THE NEW GIRLFRIEND and her best friend along!! TWISTED EH?! Never fear, I held my own (and had a few too MANY beers) and got through the day, thanks to the BFF. Yet, it was the most F’ed up thing an ex can do. Who EVER wants to meet the “rebound”? And why was it important to him for me to be his “friend”? Anyhow, from there he thought the line of communication was open. The calling, texting, emailing, airplane with a banner over head asking “how was I doing?” contact began. Yes, I did answer the phone (most the time) and I did respond to about 75% of the texting and emailing, but what was I to do? There wasn’t anyone else around keeping my attention. <- ENTER SABOTAGE! Now can we drop the freaking Douche Bags and get to the ZERO’s already sis?!

*name has been changed to protect the innocent

Sister 2
OH NO sister 1…there are so many more stories to tell…but for now I will remain as I have been and just respond from my perspective which is what I will title THE EMAIL YOU NEVER WANT FROM YOUR LOVERS FAMILY MEMBER EVER.

Basically here it is: the freaking phone would not stop ringing—then the emails flooded…and I am a child of the 80’s so don’t even get me started on texting…what the hell is that anyway?

So…here we are: picture a night of fun and revelry. The baby is asleep, we are well on our way through a bottle of fine Cab when BBEEEEPP BBLLOOP BBBEEEP whatever the hell it is calls my sister out of her haze of delicious Tobin Paso Robles Cab (2004) and into the downward spiral that is “oh man, he texted what should I do?” UGH. Well thankfully she decided not to respond (each time) but is that enough for Douche? NO of course the text is always closely followed by a message. Here is an example of one if you are curious:
Heeeey hey Seester 1*. Whaats up? I mean hey, how areg you doo-ang? UM. My friend (who is a friend of a friend of a friend BY THE WAY) juss died. Yeah. Thought you want to know thess an all. Yeah.” Click…

Meanwhile, never mind my (our) grandmother just died, sister 1 had called to let him know (OMG WHY?!?!) and this is his response…THIS IS HIS RESPONSE? I only typed it twice because I seriously couldn’t believe it myself! This Douche calls my sister after the devastating death of a woman who has had an indelible effect on both of our lives to let her know his pain of the loss of a person he didn’t even know…excuse me? OH never mind because YES we should all pause because DOUCHE Bigalow has suffered too…he has totally been bummed by this loss to the world of extreme sports so we should all feel his pain, never mind OUR FREAKING GRANDMOTHER totally passed away and we were going to WA. To see family and deal with all sorts of BS that goes along with this. The result of this (and a few hundred in my estimation) drunken nights of dialing and convoluted messages of “hey guess where I am right now” etc… resulted in: THE EMAIL. I had to do it. What else was I going to do?

I wrote to him and asked him to cease and desist immediately…well OK what I really did was challenge his intentions. I expressed to him IF he was intending on marrying my sister by all means he should continue communicating with her but if not he should respectfully step down. In my friends words it was “time to step up, or step off.” I agreed, so I put it into my best English teacher speak and sent it off. GUESS WHAT? Sister 1 hasn’t heard a word sense…hmmm…seems like Douche Bigalow was really liking Sister 1 “being there” until it cost something…maaan I am going to say again…don’t mess with a sister 2 on a mission…but also…I am bummed too…like I sort of hoped he was more of a man…damn.

OK I am digressing here in a way but this is because The Real Housewives of NY are on and I am a recent immigrant from NYC so I just can’t keep my head on straight with these idiots and their “skinny margarita’s” which if any drinker knows their business we all know that one glass of wine or one shot or one beer are all the same calories (provided you only have one of each at a time)…but hey if it’s called “skinny” go ahead with your shot of Patron in a glass with limes and skip that wine so there is more for me…because seriously…what was I talking about? Patron…not so much my fave as Casadores…OK anyway…we can move on to the Zero stories (these are the men sister 1 has had post Douche) However, it’s up to you, dear readers, would you like more Douche…or post-Douche and the stories of the pick-yourself-up-off-the windshield-he’s just-not- “the one” type? You tell us…there is so little space for so much debauchery I only hope you are there to let us know the direction to take it all!

For those of you from the momjeansblogger: THANK YOU for reading. Who knows where this will go I am only hoping Duran Duran will somehow be involved…in concert live…just for me…on my 40th…just in case they are reading…or at least Simon is…

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The story about Douche Bigalow

Sister 1
Of course she went there! I mean as the little sister your life can NEVER be anything but on BLAST by your older sister. Which is fun only when you're in a drunken setting and can laugh at yourself, but since she's brought it up, here we go.
The story of Douche Bigalow...
Have you ever met "that guy" that you fall deeply in love with, where you both plan your lives around the life you created together and give up most of yourself (without realizing) while being with him? Then when all is going well (slightly fabricated) he "geniusly" figures out (at a strip club) that being with one girl "just isn't enough" and from there he completely shatters your world. I mean to the point where being sick, not eating - then binging, crying, puking, annoying your friends and family with the "whys?" are elementary to this heartache. Well...that is Douche Bigalow! It took him over 8 years and many attempts in asking me out on a date until I went out with him. When I finally gave in and went on a date or three, I was still weary of what he wanted from me. However, he was fun, funny, immature, adventurous, and unlike anything I had ever dated in the past, so I went for it. About a year into dating him and the whirlwind romance he put me through, I was his. The trips everywhere around the world, the love he had for me, the pedestal he put me on, the way he smiled at me and got my jokes, I was undeniably, completely, utterly in love and totally his. Two years into the relationship, after he asked my father for my hand in marriage (that was after our first year) yet failed to ever ask me and while all our friends were getting married and the people we surrounded ourselves with were moving on with their single lives and getting into their married ones, he looked at me one day and said "I don't think I ever want to get married". And from that, I was crushed! I don't mean, "ah damn, I'm crushed". I mean...."You damn DOUCHE! You not only broke my heart but you have totally insulted me as a woman, completely embarrassed me in front of our family and friends, wasted my time....damn it you just plain SUCK AS A MAN. Wait....not a man because that would be a compliment, you're a dumb ass boy!"
From that day forward and for the past few years began my ever so endearing life of sabotage on myself.

Sister 2
Well, now its out there and I am sure anyone reading this would instantly become sympathetic to my poor sisters plight. Oh the agony of it all and all of that...well...truth be told a few things go on in my mind upon seeing her words of pain dripping out all over a of them of course being "oh crap I need a bigger glass of wine" and another much less significant = boredom. I am so bored of the "Ex Story" my eyes can't even roll farther up into my head without requiring corrective surgery. Yes she was hurt horribly and he is an ass and all of this but do you know what? She could have avoided all of this if she had just LISTENED to her sister, to her family, and to her friends...yes in that order.
Rule number 1 when dating: if you like the person they must meet your family. Consider us a gauntlet. If they can make it through a meeting with the crazy people who know everything about you then they will be there when you fart accidentally at the BBQ place and hold your hair back when hours later you realize that yes those slices of crispy skin really did taste a litle "off". Bottom line: your family knows you and all your dirty little secrets but they also want you to be happy so they will try hard to please as bad as that goes and you will see the future of your relationship in your loves expression as they either brush off the Viet Nam stories your dad tells after having way to many beers or they will be deeply disturbed which means you dont want them anyway because they dont respect the fact your dad is a Viet Nam Vet and enjoys the drink.
Sister 1 did not introduce this person to ME until she had been dating him for over a year. A YEAR. Red Flag anyone? What kills me is she knew this all along. She knew I wasnt going to "get" him and when Secret Agent Lover Man (my husband) met him and also expressed disapproval it was in stone, and Douce Bigalow was born. It was only a matter of time (in our estimation) when she would wake up and dump his hairy (EW! so hairy) ass...
So we waited, and it happened, she dumped him. Then she began to pine...and this, fair readers, is where we will pick up next time because I am almost out of wine and really into this episode of Bones. Seruously, I love Bones but I have a question: We can't see Angel, I mean detective whats-his-name-who-used-to-be-Angel-on-Buffy naked but we can see an entire womans body crushed whole and her head splatted by a car tire? WTF??
Adieu, Adieu, to you and you and you!

Whine & Cheese

Allow me to introduce myself:
I am single, in my 30s and currently living with my sister, brother-in-law, their newborn baby, a dog and a rabbit. Life has brought me to this place by......chance? or my mistakes? Preferably I would like to say it is by chance, I mean I never would have thought that I would be here at 32. By here I mean never been married, no child, somewhat jobless and living "at home". But I am here and I own it. Plus, I have to say, there are some benefits to it....such as my sister is a great cook & psychologist (by nature not trade), my brother-in-law (with his dry humor) cracks me up all the time, I am totally in love with my nephew, the dog is my running partner and the rabbit....well, let's just say that little guy is still alive well after he should have kicked the bucket. So with all the mistakes I made along the way to get here, I am here. Hopefully I am not going to "over stay my welcome" once this blog my sister and I are creating gets up and running ~ If you know what I mean!

So this must make me the married, somewhat older, wiser (definitely wrinklier & fatter) older sister that said younger singleton above has come to live with. Truthfully it was by design (is there a thing called "design intervention"?) husband and I are teachers in a community that happens to be the 3rd most expensive in the US and teach at a school that is in one of the 5 lowest paying districts in the I came to the decision after all these years to actually have a kid it happened to occur at the exact moment my sis was in crisis. She was laid off, the victim of a ex we refer to as Douche Bigalow, and well...I needed daycare that was family and free. Wow how the universe works to save us all at times. So, by design intervention she is here as the best Auntie Hottie there is and I am here to help her not only get a man but come on, to help her gain confidence, insight, the meaning of self, how to be empowered and well yes, keep her as an indentured servant until all of the realization factors above turn her against me.

Together with the amount of whining, cheesiness, wine we imbibe and cheese we consume it is the perfect scenario for a 21st century family.